"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to." --John Ed Pearce

Christmastime. A time of happiness, love, peace, and joy. A time, most often, spent with family, and surrounded by those we love. Among the sounds of laughter, piles of presents, inches and feet of snow, trees of lights, and plates of food, is a sense of home, comfort, and peace.

Last night, Christmas Eve, I felt a feeling of 'home' for the first time in my life. And I wanted nothing more than to stay there. I even asked, jokingly of course, if I could. I got the joking answer back of "Aww! Ash misses her mommy and wants to come home!". I couldn't ever admit it, but it was true. I did miss home. I still miss home. I miss having a sense of familiarity.

At the same time, I crave change. I want something different, bigger, better. I want to be far from here, and never having to look back. I long for days in the big city, away from the rural fields and cows. I want everything, home is not.

On a different note, I got everything I'd asked for this year. I got a coat, an outfit, a hat, and a calendar. I saw my whole family. I had time with my daughter, my brother, kim, everyone i could want to see. The food was great. The chats were awesome. Yet, I'm not happy. I'm quite opposite, to be frank. Misery doesn't even begin to describe it. I wish I knew what were wrong with me.

"The three words women most want to hear from a man are, "You lost weight" -Lori Gottlie

Someday I'll be beautiful. The pressure to be thin; pretty; sexy; will no longer apply to me. I'll be all three. I'll be the girl people look at and think, "WHOA! She looks phenomenal!" Confidence won't be foreign ground anymore. I'll be what I was prepped to be at such a young age.

After looking at some recent photographs of myself, I've decided that it is time for some serious dedication and commitment. I've gained two-pounds in the past 2 days. I know that 2-pounds sounds like such a small and trivial amount, but its not. As much as I wish I could, theres no way i'd ever be able to explain what runs through my head, or why such a small number could affect me so much. All i'm thinking right now is, how could that have possibly happened? HOW?!? I've let myself go. I've given into my urges to binge; yet not thought of the conesquences, nor the horrific number the scale would throw at me the next morning. I guess it's back to the hell of restriction....

"Behind every adventure is an idea; behind every idea is an inspiration." - Myself

It's not enough to just say, I want to change my life; I need to do something different. It takes struggling, trying, hoping, wishing, dreaming. Longing for the moment where a person can head into the sunset and just never look back. That single moment, that one knows, in their heart, that they are on their way to happiness.

As hard as one tries, it's still known that Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. Even if that ending doesn't go as planned, at least we'll have had the opportunity to say that we've lived; experienced life to the fullest.

Sometimes life just seems like a bad dream. But even time can do good things to you. And, hence the waiting, one should let time do its dance around your life. I know that once that dark yet sunny day comes, I'll be risking all that I love, my daughter, my job, my life as I know it. But a risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

Adventure is calling. I long to travel, to see the world through a looking glass, foreign to my eyes. Because, you see, there is a third dimension to traveling, the longing for what is beyond. And I'm ready.

"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express."-- Joseph Addison

On a brisk Christmas morning, in 1988, a babbling and bubbly 3 year old tore through the house, to get to the presents Old Saint Nick had left for her. She squealed with happiness when she saw the giant, 3 foot tall, doll house sitting in the middle of the living room. It was exactly what she'd wanted.

Christmas eve, 9 years later, an excited 12 year old girl, quickly read the tag on her large package. "To: Ashley Love: Papa", it read. She ripped the paper off, to reveal a brand new karaoke machine. It was exactly what she'd wanted.

On Christmas morning, in 2001, a groggy 16 year old girl, slowly shuffled her way towards the tree. Underneath the tree, laid a brand new skateboard, with a tag that read "To: Ashley Love: Santa" Even though she no longer believed in santa, and hadn't in a while, She knew who it was from. It was exactly what she'd wanted.

When Christmas eve arrived, 4 years later, a tired, 20 year old, sat on the couch bouncing her new baby. A small box sat on her lap, with a tag that read "To: Ashley Love: Papa". Inside was money and a business card. Six guitar lessons. It was exactly what she'd wanted.

On Christmas day, 2006, a happy 21 year old sat at Christmas brunch. A package in front of her with a tag that read "To: Papa Love: Ashley". It was a pair of pajamas and a shirt. It was exactly what he'd wanted.

Every year, as far back as I can remember, no matter the money situation, Papa always made sure that I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas. And this year, all I want for Christmas is to walk through the door and see Papa, sitting in his chair, laughing with the family, and having a good time again.

I love and miss you, dad. So much.

"What a wonderful life I had. I only wish i'd realized it sooner."--Sidonie Gabrielle

December. What is it about this time of year that depresses me most? Ask me any year prior to this, and I would have told you a multitude of reasons. But now, looking back on all of the past holidays, The Christmas's, the New Years; they all seem so wonderful in comparison to what I'm facing this year. The petty family fights, the sibling squabbles, the arguments over money; it all seems so trivial.

Generally, I welcome change with open arms. I thrive off of change. Constant, steady, change. But this year, I'm absolutely terrified of the change the Holidays are planning on sneaking up with. I'm clinging to false hope, just in case I have that brief opportunity to grasp onto the normalcy that my family once possessed. The traditions they spent generations creating, are fading into the boxes and boxes of photographic proof, that they once existed.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." --A. A. Milne

A friend of mine wrote this wonderful poem for me. It is just full of so much love, I couldn't help but share it. I love you M!


Young, hip, and beautiful.
A mother, wife, and daughter,
struggling to keep her life in peace.

Head, mind, and heart in constant battle,
trying so hard not to go with the latter.

The prisoner escapes from her shackles.
Flee's to another universe,
one unknown to her and her kind.
With hopes of a better future,
than the one she left behind.

In her hands she brings a friend,
traveling along side each other
to help, to hold,
with hearts of steel to triumph through any unjustice.

Meeting friends and foes along the journey.
Sharing tears of happiness,
and tears of sorrow,
pushing through the strife and struggle
with smiles of broken hearts,
with hopes of a better future.

"You have a choice. Live or Die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be." -- Chuck Palahniuk


Lately, I seem to have hit a wave of depression that has been just crippling. I just want to leave this place, and leave all of the memories behind. It seems like time is just ticking far too slow. I'm slowly wasting away, killing myself slowly with the pain of knowing that i'll never get anywhere or be anything. I want so much, yet I seem to be getting so little. I just wish I could find an alternative method to dealing with everything. I seem to go on mental overload, and I become self destructive. When will all of this come to an end, so I can finally rest?

"Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts." --Penelope Sweets


I'm scaring myself. A lot. I'm shaking I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. I can't kick this dark, numb, blankness that keeps me from focusing. I'm fucking depressed out of my mind.

I've eaten way too much today. I tried really hard not to purge, but I couldn't help it. I dislike purging, but at the same time, i like to do it. it makes me feel empty. I like running miles and miles and working out to exhaustion... it makes me feel like i've gotten rid of everything. My pain, misery, anguish.

I tried really hard to push away the urge to cut. But for some reason, I can't control myself. I let my razor touch my thigh. I let it slip into skin. But for the first time, I didn't feel control. I didn't feel calm. I felt scared.

Suicide seems so real now. I want to make all this go away; the ed, depression, everything! I want to leave behind all the mistakes that I've made and the life that I've ruined. I want to set everyone that's had the misfortune of meeting me, free from the hell I put on them. I just want to peacefully slip under water. Letting the warm fluid engulf me. So peaceful.

I feel like i'm having a mental breakdown. A panic attack.

I'm so so sorry. I feel like such a drama queen. All I do is whine. I should be trying to support all of you. Not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just so overwhelmed. So much is going on. This hell is sucking my life away from me.

"I wish they would only take me as I am" - Vincent Van Gough

I want to, for one day, to be beautiful.
I want to look beautiful.
Feel beautiful.
I want to turn heads.
Whose that girl, they ask.
That girl.
That girl is beautiful.

"I'm not always depressed... only when I think or feel." -Ashleigh Brilliant

With the streak of seemingly unfortunate events that have hit my life in the past few months, i'm left wondering, whats the point. Sometimes, A person just can't take anymore. It seems, as I lay here in the dark, that i've been handed all I can take. As hard as I try to look for the light to end all misery, I find myself still wandering around in the dark. Recently, I find myself wanting to stay in bed most of the time. I don't want to face the world. My family. my friends. Why should I? They don't understand. They can't understand. They won't understand. If just for a moment, I could feel a shred of happiness, I would wrap it up and put it in my pocket. I would hope that it would never leave. But i'm not that fortunate. I've compiled a new list of confessions. A list of feelings, so I can try to piece them together. Try to make sense of my life.

I confess that I need to go to counseling

I confess that I need to stop drinking

I confess that I don't want to face another day

I confess that I miss my dad dearly

I confess that I feel very guilty about how I was when i was younger, and how much more time I could of shared of with him

I confess that when I was taking a bath, I wanted to sink into the tub, cover my head in water, close my eyes, and never come back up

I confess that its nice to be alone

I confess that its nice to not have to smile and look pleased

I confess that I find it a depressing just to look out the window at the whirling snow

I confess that when i've cried in the recent days, i've only let a few tears escape. I haven't been in the mood to go on a crying jag

I confess that I'm upset and disappointed with my mom

I confess that my little brother deserves better

I confess that I don't want help

I confess that I scare myself

I confess that I want nothing more than to be happy

I confess that I'm scared of my future

I confess that I want to go back to school

I confess that I'm tired more often than ever

I confess that sickness has gotten the best of me, and i'm ill most of the time

I confess that I feel unpretty

I confess that even my silhouette isn't good enough for me

I confess that I'm less of a person than i was a few years back

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” -Unknown

Two nights ago, I made the decision to show my mom my blog. As those of you reading know, this little un-noticed page, among millions of un-noticed pages on the net, contains deep thoughts and dark secrets. My mom read everything. She in turn had me show my step dad and explain things to my little sister.

Last night, I told my grandmother what has been going on. She was acting really supportive all night.

Today, I went to work and ate breakfast. I had a piece of toast and some hashbrowns. I couldnt keep it down. It was too greasy. I tried really hard, but I just couldn't do it. Then, for lunch at work, I had a turkey sandwich and french onion soup with the other servers. My stomach couldnt take all of it, and I ended up purging as soon as I got home. I tried to cover my tracks. Music and a shower. But, my grandma caught on and lectured me before I even got out of the bathroom. After a 2 hours lecture about being stupid, she took me to town.

We went out to dinner at QDoba. She made me eat my entire meal. By the time we got to the store, my stomach hurt so bad I could hardly stand it. I tried to stow away to the bathroom, but she followed close behind. So, while in the stall, I popped a few laxatives.

I am really starting to regret telling anyone. I feel like I have less control than I did before. I am really starting to think that I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. My family is pushing me too hard, too fast. They expect me to be able to just eat and not purge, or take something. They expect me to be able to just stop. *sigh* i'm so scared. I think a bigger part of me wants to stay this way. I'm honestly terrified to even try to recover. But I suppose its baby steps. One day at a time. I've gotten through telling. Only can get easier, right?

“It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life” -Irish proverb

I'm really starting to realize the severity of things. Tonight a very good friend of mine said something that scared me terribly.

Ash, I'm so worried about you. some day soon you're not going to be satisfied with not having control over your life... and you'll stop making excuses. you're getting closer and closer all the time. On the flip side... you're getting worse when you're having your down days and i'm really worried that you are going to end up in the hospital or dead before you seek out help. Please, Ash, please tell someone. Theres only so much I can do. I support you, forever, but i'm really scared.

After this incident, my mom lectured me about diet pills. And made a comment about how I have lost alot of weight. I can't keep hiding. I'm so scared. I feel so tired and weak all the time. But I can't just stop.

This whole thing is a vicious cycle. Eating away at me every minute of everyday. I feel guilty about not eating, so I eat. Then I feel guilty about eating, so I purge. Then I feel guilty about purging, so I eat. I just can't be satisfied. I reach a goal, but its never enough. I make a new goal. I tell myself, once i reach this goal, i'm done. But I can't stop.

I'm giving in. I have to tell someone. But, i'm terrified. I feel like such a coward. Maybe somehow i'll manage.

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” -Oscar Wilde

I think its time I tell the truth...

Lately, it seems, that things have been going downhill, and fast. I feel like my life has spiralled out of its normal rotation, and I no longer have control over it. I've faced so much in the past year, even past month, i'm not sure how much more I can take.

I feel as if I am lost. Cut off from the world I once knew. People no longer understand. They no longer can relate. I've began to distance myself from everything I love and care about. I'm slipping farther and farther away from the girl I used to be. I'm losing touch.

Two years ago, i'd of told you that things were wonderful. I had everything I could of wanted. I had a loving boyfriend. A beautiful little girl on the way, an apartment all of our own, a stable job, and the greatest friends anyone could ask for.

But as time passed, I started to notice little changes. Changes in me, my friends, ked, just the world in general. My dreams began to fade. I started losing touch with who I really was. Everything i'd wanted out of life, started slowly slipping away, just fast enough for me to not be able to catch them.

I started telling myself that everything was ok. That everyone has trouble right after having a baby. I managed to talk myself into believing it. I started feeling better, not only about my life, but about myself.

Sometime in early 2006, I came to realize the truth about my life. I got a phone call from a gal I hardly knew. She explained to me that Ked had been unfaithful. I began to feel sick. Disappointed. And overwhelmingly sad. I felt my heart come up into my throat, and my stomach twist. I wrote a letter and packed up Quinn. I had to leave. I couldn't stand to think that the man who was supposed to love me, the man whos child I bore, could do something like that to me. I started to fall into a state depression. I lost my self worth. And along with that, I lost my hope for a happy future.

Ked woke up before I left the house. He read the letter, and attempted to talk to me. I couldnt bear to look him in the eyes. It hurt. After a few hours of talking and crying, I told him that I was tired of him saying I love you. I needed him to prove to me that he cared. He pulled me into a very tight embrace and proposed. I said yes.

Months went by. I still felt depressed. I felt unpretty, imperfect, and unwanted. I started thinking thoughts like "if only I were prettier, he'd love me more." and "if I were skinnier, he'd love me like he should". As the clock ticked and hours turned into days, an old habit I fought through high school started to resurface. I started skipping meals. Chewing food, but not swallowing and just spitting it out later.

I had it under control. I could stop if I had too, and eat an entire plate. But as time went by, my control started to slip through my fingers. I started feeling guilty for eating. So i'd purge if I ate too much. When it started, i'd only purge if I felt overly full. Then it slowly morphed into me purging everytime I ate because I just couldn't stand the feeling of being full. The guilty feeling the food would give me.

Now, I have lost my grip. Its a terrible cycle. I can't stand to even gain a pound. Anything to save me from the fate of being fat and ugly. Laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, binging and purging, fasting. If its within my reach, it gets put to use. I'm fading fast. I'm scared, tired of lying, covering up my own tracks, and hiding. I've fallen so hard that I can't get back up.

When I started losing control, I started feeling worthless. I still felt betrayed. But I hid it. Pretended that the feeling didn't exist. Ked had proposed. He really loves me right? But, no matter how much I told myself that, I just couldn't get over the hurt, betrayed feeling he'd left me with. As my wedding drew near, I started feeling trapped. I had dreams. I couldn't be married. I wanted to go places. Do things. Things I knew Ked wasn't interested in. I wanted to back out. Call it all off. But I couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of disappointing my family. Being a failure my whole life made me scared to disgrace my family more than I already had.

About a week before the wedding, I started to get excited. Papa was going to live to see his youngest daughter get married, and to have the opportunity to give her away. I love keddy. very much. But I still didn't want to get married. But I wanted Papa there. And I knew thats what my family wanted. I wanted him to witness that special day.

Now, I sit here. Thinking about everything that has gone on in the past two years, and I wish that I could just run away. Escape my marriage, eat healthy, live in a place far far away from here, and just be myself. But My problems have consumed my soul. Made it impossible to live a normal life. I'm stuck in a hole with no ladder to climb. I cry silently, hoping someone will see the red flag. But no one does. No one does.

"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." -Clarence B. Kelland

John Nicholas "Nick" Shepherd

Dec. 12, 1945-Sept. 1, 2007

Age: 61

Residence: Eaton

Tribute: Mr. Shepherd was born in Greeley to Billie Lou and John Earl Shepherd. He grew up in Greeley and graduated in 1964 from Greeley High School, where he played football and wrestled.

After graduation, Nick attended college for one year and then joined the U.S. Navy in January 1966. He served aboard the U.S.S. Tinosa SSN 606, a fast attack nuclear submarine. On April 9, 1966, he married Louise Reichert in Greeley. On Feb. 5, 1970, Nick was discharged from the Navy, and he then settled his family in Eaton.

Nick worked for Kodak for 32 years. He retired from the Eaton Volunteer Fire Department after 22 years of service, three years of which were as Fire Chief. Nick was currently serving as president of the Eaton Fire Protection District Board. He belonged to the Eaton Jaycees for 10 years and the Eaton Band Boosters.

His favorite hobbies included hunting, fly fishing and watching his children and grandchildren in sports. He loved the Broncos and a good debate with anyone. Nick died Saturday at North Colorado Medical Center after a five-year battle with ALS, also called Lou Gehrig's Disease.

Survivors: His wife, Louise Shepherd of Eaton; three daughters, Denise Shepherd-Castillo and husband Joe of Eaton, Kimberly Kimbrough and husband Kody of Friona, Texas, and Ashley Bredemeier and husband Keddy of Eaton; a son, Mark Shepherd and wife Amber of Evans; his mother, Billie Lou and stepfather Virgil Baxter of Greeley; his stepmother, Frances Shepherd; a sister, Sue Good and husband Bob of North Carolina; one brother, Pat Shepherd and wife Diane of Greeley; his mother-in-law, Dorothy Reichert of Greeley; two brothers-in-law, Floyd Reichert and wife Janet of Greeley and Marvin Reichert and wife Paula of Windsor; and grandchildren, Autumn and Brandon Castillo, Kendall and Kambree Kimbrough, Izaiah, Izak and Zaidyn Shepherd, and Quinn Bredemeier.

Preceded in death by: His father, John Earl Shepherd; grandparents Icel and Herschel Brooks and Laura and Everett Shepherd; and father-in-law Alex Reichert.

Services: 10 a.m. Tuesday at First Congregational Church of Eaton, 325 2nd St.

Notes: Contributions may be made to the Eaton Fire Department or the Nick Shepherd Memorial Fund c/o Allnutt Macy Chapel, 702 13th St., Greeley, CO 80631. View the online obituary and sign the family guestbook at www.allnutt.com.

" And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?.." - Death Cab For Cutie


It wasn't until this weekend that I fully understood the meaning and pure emotion behind those lyrics. But tonight, as I sit here, hiding behind my music, I reflect on the events of the past few days. I haven't really been ready or able to talk about this with more than a few very close people, but I feel that it is time I let everyone know what has been on.

As most of you know, I was raised by my grandparents. They have always been, and always will be my mom and dad. Mimi and Papa are the ones responsible for raising the person I am now. Papa was diagnosed with ALS (autotrophic lateral sclerosis aka- Lou Gehrig's disease) in August of 2002. For 5 years, he battled this terrible ailment, fighting everyday.

On Thursday August 28, 2007, at around 6:15 p.m., Papa said he had a hairball in his throat. He was too weak to try and cough it up. Mimi leaned him forward, tried to pat his back to get him to cough; no luck. She tried the cough assist machine; no luck. So finally, she resorted to calling 911. The firemen arrived, and the ambulance shortly after. They got him hooked up to an IV, and tried, desperately, to get the phlegm out of his throat. After numerous failed attempts, and when it became obvious that he was having trouble breathing, they whisked him off to the Emergency Room.

At about 7:00 p.m., I received a phone call at work. I heard the words i'd been dreading for such a long time. "Ash, Papa was sent to the hospital by ambulance about an hour ago. You need to go. I'm not sure how serious it is but you should go right now." I called my manager over, and he said that he would close for me, but he had to get the clear from his manager. His manager came up to me and asked me why I needed to leave. I explained my situation, and he responded with "You called in on Monday. If you leave, you could lose your job. You need to decide if this is really worth it." I walked out.

I arrived at the Emergency Room at about 7:20p.m. A few family members were there already. I sat with them and awaited the news on how Papa was doing. Finally, after a 30 minute wait, Mimi came out, and asked my mom and I to come back. We sat in the E.R. room with him for a few hours. Waiting. Papa got scared. He ended up having a panic attack. They gave him a sedative. The sedative reacted with his medication for his ALS and threw him into a coma state. Thats when they decided to admit him.

After a wait of a few more hours, Papa finally was given a room. It had a bed with a special mattress. The kind he needed to accommodate his ailment. It was on the general ward floor. Our hospital lacks a neurology floor, so they made special arrangements for him. We sat and watched as the doctors took all his vitals.

Later that evening, Marky and I talked Mimi into going home for a while. We decided that she needed a shower and fresh clothing. Marky and I sat with Papa. Papa went through spells where he'd be in a comatose state, then flailing around, then talking normally. It was so hard to see. At one point, he looked at me, and mid tears, I heard him say "Ash, please, relax". I had to leave the room.

I ended up spending the night with Mimi and Papa. I didn't want her there alone. She needed company. Neither of us slept.

On Friday morning, August 29, 2007, Papa stopped breathing. They put him on a respirator, and he seemed to be doing a bit better. Throughout the day, he drifted in and out of a coma. Talking with us briefly, being the same old Papa he'd always been, except, instead of his glowing face, he was frail, and pale.

By Friday night, he had gone down hill incredibly fast. I'm not sure how it happened. The whole day seems like a blur. But somewhere down the line, he started failing. At about 6p.m., my grandma and the doctors made the decision to pull his life support at 9p.m. I broke down.

When 9p.m. arrived, all of us immediate family gathered into Papa's room, and held hands. We prayed, we told Papa everything we felt we needed to say. He told us he loved us, and that he was checking out. I sat in the room with him, my mom, Marky, Kimmy, and Mimi for a few hours in silence, watching Papa slowly leave our lives. I held his hand the whole time.

At 9:15a.m. on August 31, 2007, Papa passed away.

It all seems surreal to me. I still expect to see Papa sitting in his chair in the T.V. room every morning when I wake up. I still wait for him to yell at me every time i sit down at my computer. Why should I have to lose my dad? And only weeks after I lose my grandfather? This whole situation just seems unfair. And with this, I have to say, Love is watching someone die.... Who's going to watch you die?...

<3>

"Thats what a friend is for, when your lost in darkness and searching for the light, to help you through those lonely nights, when everything around you fails just hold out your hand, and i'll come running, thats what a friend is for."
-Marty Keith

Dear Friend,

Over the past 11 months, Ive come to learn so much about you, without really knowing anything at all. In a time of desperation, I sought out an escape. I found comfort in an alternate reality. It didn’t matter who I was, where I came from, why I was around. All that mattered was that i was there. I spent countless hours indulged and engrossed in this beautiful distraction. Making friends and having fun. It was all an amazing journey.

After a while, I started talking to people. I put walls up. Molded myself into what I wanted to be and what I wanted people to think I was. But you managed to care enough to break them down. To question, to talk, to care. You made an effort to help me. When no one else would try, you did.

You’re truly a good person and I’ve learned so much from you in these past few months. I hope that you always find comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow your clouds, laughter to kiss your cries, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when your spirits are low, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, confidence when you doubt, courage to always remember who you are and what you have been, patience to accept the truth, and love to complete your life. And until this moment, I never realized how hard it was to lose something I never had; A friend like you.

Love Always; Your Friend,
Romy

P.S.- I really hope that we keep in touch. And if we don’t, Please promise me you’ll always remember that you taught me that I’m braver than I believed, Stronger than I seemed, and smarther than I thought. After all, wheres the good in goodbye?

*deleted*

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty one and I am already exhausted." --Elizabeth Wurtzel

Sometimes, in life, things just don't always seem to look up for a person. Lately, my life seems to be turning upside down. It just keeps spiraling downwards, moving faster with each breath I take. One would think that I would be happy. I have so much to look forward to. So much to keep going for. Yet, everyday gets harder and harder. My mind just can't rest. I can't seem to make myself happy. No matter what I do. Sometimes, I just feel like screaming at the top of lungs. Other times I feel like locking myself in the bathroom, and never coming out. I decided to write a 'confessions' blog. Keep track of my emotions because I'm terrified to talk to my family or friends directly about the things that have been going on. I'm afraid of what they'll say. I don't want to be blamed. Its not my fault. Really. I try to be happy. I try too look up. Tell myself that it will get better tomorrow. But it just doesn't. So with that, I confess...

I confess that I think that I need to not drink.

I confess that I care too much about what people think of me.

I confess that I dream too much, and try too little.

I confess that I sometimes I wish I were completely by myself so that I could move really far away.

I confess that I enjoy being alone.

I confess that I am terrified of the day that I wake up and Papa is no longer with us. I am terrified of the heartache it will cause.

I confess that I want to move to NYC, go to NYU, get a double major in journalism and english with a minor in music, work for a magazine while in school, and move on to start my own music magazine after.

I confess that I don't think I can ever reach that dream.

I confess that I want to see a shrink.

I confess that I am scared to get married.

I confess that I have no money, and that I am afraid of how the future will be financially.

I confess that I hate my job, and wouldn't be the least bit upset if Target blew up.

I confess that I feel depressed most of the time.

I confess that I hate my name, and want more than anything to change it.

I confess that I am afraid to chase my dreams because I don't want my family to think i'm making the wrong choice because its not the choice they'd make.

I confess that I am always tired.

I confess that I want to be a band. I want to give it all I have, and put out what little talent I have.

I confess that I have been searching for an emotional outlet, and have been finding music to be a decent answer.

I confess that I get to upset too easily.

I confess that lately, I have been getting upset at Ked and Quinn over things that should not warrant being angry.

I confess that I am sorry for any pain or heartache I may have caused any family or friends.

I confess that I just want to be happy.

I confess that I am scared of my life to come, and that I have no idea what road it may head down.

"Fun is good" --Dr. Seuss

On Thursday May 31, 2007, Kayla and I embarked on a musical journey. I hopped in my car at about 2pm on Thursday afternoon. I hit the interstate in less than 20 minutes, and was on my way. Traffic was TERRIBLE! It took me nearly 2 hours to get to Denver. The drive to Denver should take no more than an hour. Finally I arrived in Arvada, and met up with Shannon and Kayla. I got a make-over at the mall, and then we all split ways. I followed Kayla to her house, where we got ready for the concert.

Thirty minutes later, we were out the door and on our way to the liquor store. We got a bottle of blue raspberry UV vodka, and a crapload of Taco Bell, then headed back to her house.

After the scrumptious heart attack-waiting-to-happen dinner, and a shot (or two... or four), we were off to the show. Generally I hate the Gothic Theatre, and won't attend there, but this show was an exception. We arrived at the venue, parked a few blocks away, and enjoyed a few more shots before heading in.

We walked down to the concert venue, and found a nice spot right off the stage on the right hand side. The first band had already started playing. I had never heard them before, but they were definately impressive! We found out part way through the set that they were called Resident Hero and that they were the only unsigned band to tour with Flyleaf. They were amazing!

After Resident Hero, Kill Hannah made way onto the stage. I'd never really heard a whole lot from them, but I was certainly impressed! They played a rockin set, and I was completely entertained the whole time! SHINY! They had lazers on the end of their guitars! I couldn't stop watching!

Following Kill Hannah, was Sick Puppies. I was looking forward to seeing this band live. And, it was worth the wait. They absolutely blew me away! I could not believe the amazing amounts of energy that was radiating off of this band. They were so badass!

Kayla and I made our way towards the merch booth, and started chatting with the band. The chick from Sick Puppies gave me a devil head shaped guitar pick. It was made of total awesomeness.

After a kick-ass set with Sick Puppies, Flyleaf made an appearance! I made my way to the front and center of the stage. Flyleaf had so much energy and such great stage presence, that I was lost in the music, and didn't even notice myself flying around the mosh pit. It was absolutely amazing.

When the show was over and done with, Kayla and I hit up the bar for some water. I was about to pass out due to my over exertion of dancing/jumping/and needlessly slamming into other people, with a tad bit of heat stroke..... Ok, so maybe it wasn't heat stroke, but I certainly was hot and sweaty, and I definitely felt like I was going to pass out.

Once we finished our waters, we headed back to the car, and made our way back to Kaylas. After arriving at her house, we said our goodbyes, and parted ways. I hopped into my car, and made the hour long trek back home.

Overall, I must say this is one of the greatest shows I have been to so far. I give all four bands a huge thumbs up, and best wishes to Resident Hero on the opportunities that lay ahead.

"We live in an age disturbed, confused, bewildered, afraid of its own forces, in search not merely of its road, but even of its direction." --Woodrow T. Wilson

Last night I had the most bizarre dream. It bewildered me, and made me a bit curious as to what it meant. I contacted someone I knew as an acquaintance and asked them to interpret it for me. She said she would be happy to do so. The results confused me greatly, even though the dream seems to be straightforward.

The dream:

My dream started out with me on an airplane. Then suddenly, it landed and I was standing on the bank of a lake next to a faceless man. Half of the lakes edge was engulfed in flames. I was looking onto a wall of fire across the water. The man turned in my direction and said "isn't it beautiful?". Then I woke up.

The interpretation of the dream was as follows:

Being that you start out your dream journey on a plane, you are eager for change, and have found a scary yet comfortable change that you want to happen quickly. When you land, and are standing by the lake with the strange man, your mind is telling you that you have found the change that is right for you. The faceless man in your dream resembles two things. He indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are and what you want. He also represents a person you are longing to know and understand on a deeper level. The lake in your dream resembles an emotional doubt towards a current relationship. Feeling a sense of warmth is telling you, you yearn for a sense of unconditional love that you are not currently receiving. You feel peace in your dream because, an end or a resolution to an emotional issue or inner conflict is on its way. It signals an end of an old cycle and the pause before the beginning of a new endeavor. The fire around the lake means that there is pain and fear regarding a relationship. The fire being, you not able to let it go. It resembles pent up emotion. The flames, being that they were a wall around half of the lake, resemble a barrier in your life. It is telling you that you need to burn the barrier. Presumably, to make change that needs to take course.

Now looking back on the dream and its supposed meaning, I am left baffled and confused. I'm not too sure of how I should take this dream, or of its true meaning. I think i've gone and lost my mind. Any thoughts?

HEART YOU ALL!

Romy

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent." --Victor Hugo

Tonight, skunk showed me the final text version of my song. I'm so pleased with the results. Heres the final draft:

dreaming of you

on a warm summers eve

I was thinking of you

and the places we have been

I thought of how it'd be

if we chase our dreams

right across the moonbeams

into the dark night

CHORUS

there's so many things

(things to see)

and so many places

(left to go)

and a thousand dreams to follow

so we'll turn around

(turn around)

and chose another way

a new choice each day

and another thought upon us

we've drifted down

the lonely path of ours

just a stretch of empty road

but if you take my hand

and let me lead the way

somewhere into blue

skys above our heads

chasing our dreams

CHORUS

BRIDGE

drifting away as I

lay in the grass

dreaming of my

little dream

of runnig away and

Learning how to fly

CHORUS

there's so many thing

(things to see)

and so many places

left for us to go

and a thousand dreams to follow

follw me

Heart you all!

Romy

"A house is a place you grow up wanting to leave, but grow old wanting to get back to" John Ed Pearce

Never in my life have I been so happy to be home, as I was when we pulled into the parking lot early this morning. I absolutely loved my trip to Oregon, and wish it wouldn't have had to end, but all the same, I was very home sick, and wanted nothing more than to sleep in my own bed. I never thought i'd miss Greeley. But, I guess there always has to be an end to every amazing journey, and this marks the end of one of mine. Though, i'm sure there will be plenty more.

Love ya all,
Romy

"Desperate times call for desperate measures" -Ancient Proverb

It has now been over a weeks time, and I still cannot get home. I'm starting to feel trapped and scared. I've sold everything I have that I could possibly sell. I've run out of ideas. So now, I ask you, as a friend, to please help me out in this desperate time, and help get me home. Please give me any ideas you might have.

Heart You All,
Romy

“Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought.” -E. Y. Harburg

Tonight, Rosie, Skunk, and I were talking about music. After realizing that we were all musically inclined, each in a unique way, we decided to try and put together a band, using the internet as our meeting point. Its going to be an interesting experiment, and i'm very excited to see how it all pulls together.

I wrote a song tonight, and passed it along to skunk. He said it needs a bit of editing, but overall is good. I'm really proud of it, and can't wait to hear our finished product.

Heres the first draft of our song:

Dreaming of you
on a warm summers eve
i was thinking of you
and the places we have been
i was thinking how wonderful
it'd be to chase our dreams
float across the moonbeams
into the dark night

CHORUS:
Theres just so many things
we need to see
so many places
left to go
a ton of broken hearts to mend
and a thousand dreams to follow
[end chorus]

take my hand
let me lead you away
somewhere into the blue
sky above our weary heads
we've thought of so many
days in which we could be free
just a stretch of empty road
chasing our dreams

CHORUS

A lonely path weve drifted down
so we'll turn around
(turn around)
and choose another way
each day a choice
another thought upon us
drifting away as i lay
in the grass dreaming up a little dream
of running away and learning to fly

CHORUS

Heart,
Romy

“Anything worth learning cannot be learned in the classroom.” -Unknown


I've been in Ashland for exactly one week now. I've had the most amazing time ever. Never in my life have I felt so motivated to get up and go outside; been so eager as to want to take two to three hour walks; Never have I yearned to take to Quinn to the park so badly, as I have this week. Its amazing that a place 1500 miles away from my home could make me happy. I honestly am more than excited to move here. I absolutely can't wait.

As for this trip ending, We have completely run out of money. We've been doing everything we can to get enough money to get us home. The past three days, amidst our enchanting hour long walks, and exciting trips to the park, have been nothing but stress and worry. I've been thinking constantly about how we are getting home. But I know deep down in my heart that we will figure it out.

heart,
Romy

“Happiness is the time when you're chasing happiness.” -Kino Makoto

Chasing dreams seems so silly to some. But today, I learned that, no matter how crazy it seems, its the most amazing feeling in the world! I always knew that I disliked Greeley, and I dreamed of leaving for so long, but I had no idea how happy it would make me to actually leave. I know I haven't moved, but just being gone temporarily and not knowing what lies ahead, but knowing its a future other than the one I was headed towards, makes me feel amazing. I sat in the car all day today, chasing dreams. I don't think the smile left my face. Not once. And with this, I give you all a wonderful night.

Live. Laugh. Love.

<33 Romy

“It's fear of the unknown. The unknown is what it is. And to be frightened of it is what sends everybody scurrying around chasing dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love, hate, all that--it's all illusion. Unknown is what it is. Accept that it's unknown and it's plain sailing. Everything is unknown--then you're ahead of the game. That's what it is. Right?” -John Lennon

Some would say i'm crazy. Maybe even insane, and maybe its true. In fact, i'm starting to believe i may have lost my marbles. Today I did the unthinkable. I jumped in my car (Ked and Quinn along, of course) and started driving into the western horizon. I passed through the emptiness that is Wyoming, Around the boggling Salt Lake, over the salt flats, and into the heart of Nevada. With only a bit of money in my pocket, and a few grocery bags of food, I am determined to make it to the west coast. I'm running out of money, and fast, and i've pawned literally every electronic item I own, but, for once in my life, i've taken control of things and done what I want.
Finally i've come to realize that I have no idea what the future holds for me. But at the rate things were going, It wasn't looking so good. Something drastic needed to be done. Honestly, I'm scared. But if I don't start taking risks, and learning, i'll never end up where I want to be.

<33 Romy

"dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" -James Dean

Running away. It seems so mysterious, so compelling, so thrilling. What I wouldn't give to just 'run away'. Ditch life as I know it, chase my dreams. Sounds so beautiful. But alas, life doesn't believe in giving me that chance. So, I am forced to live vicariously through others, experiencing what its like to just be free, to be taken wherever the wind feels like carrying me. Breathing in the intoxicating scents of opportunity. People like [this] are my inspiration. Expressing themselves, going where their hearts take them. It is these people, who are able to share their stories, and allow people like me to have those few seconds of happiness. I hope that more people embark on that never ending quest to find themselves, chase their dreams, and live their lives to the fullest.

<3 Romy

'I'm crushed, so crushed' -The Beu Sisters

Why is it that I feel crappier after I tell someone the truth, then when I kept it to myself? I seriously think i'm done this time. I'm going to try very hard NOT to fall for anyone. No matter how amazing and wonderful they are. I always end up getting rejected in the end. At first I thought maybe it was because I 'wasn't pretty enough' or 'I wasn't skinny enough'. But I've come face to face with reality, and i've realized, I just simply want what I can not have. Everytime. With everything and everyone I come across. I simply just can't handle being crushed yet again.

<3 Romy

“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun” -Katharine Hepburn

At 7pm on March 31, 2007, Adrian, Dustin, Niko, Nick, and Erin, picked me up from my apartment to head down to Caffeine 2007! We jumped into the car, and started driving. Adrian weaved in and out of traffic down the interstate, and dodged several almost-accidents. I was sure we were going to die.
Trying to follow directions posed to be difficult when we missed an exit. But, it all worked out to our advantage, as the exit we chose to take to turn around, ended up skipping a few steps in our directions.
When we finally arrived, my friends headed to will call to get their tickets. And I hopped in line with my ticket in hand. Shortly after getting in line, a man with a horn, announced that in order to get into the venue, everyone must have a state issued ID. FAIL! I did not have a state issued ID. It was just after 8pm, when doors opened, and I was damned near an hour away from home. Kayla met me there, and stood in line with me. We talked about ways of getting me in, and tried to think up a plan. After about 20 minutes of useless talking, we decided that it was hopeless, and there was no way i was getting into the rave. I didn't want to give up hope, so I stood in line, and racked my brain, trying to find a way. Finally, Kayla decided to sell her ticket and bounce. She left me with her drivers license and her school ID. Seeing as we are cousins, we look strikingly alike. So I spent my time in line memorizing her information, just in case.
After about 30 minutes, I met a girl named Meg. We talked for a while, and she introduced me to her friends. We shared pictures of our daughters, and made jokes about everything. It was nice to have someone to talk to, as all my friends were already inside. As time passed, Meg managed to do a little line bouncing, and get us up to the front. After standing up front for a few minutes, a new entrance line formed, leaving us only a few people behind the doors. WOOT! We were almost there.
Security was a NIGHTMARE! We were wanded, patted down, felt up, and asked numerous questions. We had to take off our shoes, pull everything out of our pockets, and hand over anything and everything, pretty much. They even took my chap stick and body paint. WTF?!? When I FINALLY got in, I went on a search for my friends. Anyone at that point would be wonderful to see. I easily found Adrian and the group near the DDR machines. It was madness!
After aimlessly wandering for about 20 minutes, I ran across Meg again. I hung out with her in the main lobby of Fat City for a while, then headed into the arcade so her and her friends could discuss a central meeting point in case anyone got lost. I felt so bad for her. Out of all her friends, she was the only sober one.
A few hours passed, and Squirrel found me. We took a couple pictures together, and headed to the mainstage. We danced, and sticked, with a few outside breaks, for the rest of the night.
When we left, we drove around, got lost numerous times, and listened to basshunter. After driving around for much longer than we should have, we finally found the interstate. WOO FOR BEING OUT OF TOWNERS! On our way home, we stopped by McDonalds. I did the impossible and ate breakfast there. I know, gross. After multiple penis jokes, and several trips through the drive through (we couldnt make up our minds apparently), we got back on the road. We dropped a few folks off, and squirrel made the trek towards my house. He was rad and took me home, despite the fact that i live nearly 45 minutes out of his way. When I got home at around 7:30am, I showered, and headed to bed.
I had a blast! I never knew dancing with glowsticks could be so pretty and mesmerizing! I was simply in awe at what some of those people could do with those sticks, squirrel included.
I hope that squirrel will invite me to go again. I had so much fun with him and his friends. It was nice to be around fun, sober, people. I also hope that someday i can learn to dance rad with sticks as well!
As I conclude this blog, I would like to leave with a little message....

2 hours of sleep and 9 energy drinks in 2 days, sucks ass.

PS-- I met DJ TRAJIKK! It was amazing!

<3 Romy

“Why do they call it a crush? Because that's how you feel when they don't feel the same way in return.” -Unknown

Lately, I've come to develop quite the crush on someone. Its a very bad crush at that. I am terrified to have such strong feelings for a person, for more than one reason. Both of us being in serious relationships doesn't help. Not to mention the distance. I'm terrified to tell them how I feel, as I'm afraid of rejection. Nothing is worse than having someone you care about tell you they don't feel the same way.

I felt like writing tonight, as I've been a little blue. This song is what I ended up with:

I’d do anything to see him
Even if it means when that moment is done
He’d forget everything about me
I would take out the seconds, each one

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
Even just for a minute of song

Each breath would be a new start
Because I would be held in his warm embrace
I would wait for that perfect moment
Where the memories without him, I’d erase

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
Even just for a minute of song

The distance just feels so much greater
As I count down the months and the days
The wait, it is getting harder
I am longing for his amazing gaze

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
Even just for a minute of song

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
I’ve been waiting for what seems like so long

I also managed to come up with this poem. Its not as good as my song, but I figured it was worth posting anyway.

I see him standing there
Just a figment of my mind
Then I remember
The things I’ve put behind
I think of the girl who gets to call him her own
And I realize that its not me
I would do anything to be that girl
I wish that’s who I could be
I knew one day this moment would come
When I’d face these feelings
Each and everyone
Not able to speak the words, as they lye on the edge of my tongue
I’m scared to lose my chance
But afraid that that chance has come and gone
I see such a perfect romance
I don’t want to lose what I don’t already have
If only I could tell him
If I could just make him see
Maybe someday
His girl would be me

<3 Romy

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” - Friedrich Nietzsche

Why is it that people think that it is ok to blatantly lie to me, even though they know that I know that they are lying? When I ask someone a question, that i indefinitely know the answer too, and they flat out lie to me, I find it very insulting. In fact, I find it upsetting. Over the past week, I have come to learn a lot about some people I'd considered friends. After months of building, what I thought were friendships, I am very disappointed to see what those 'friendships' really meant to those people. Secrets and lies seem to be the norm of things as of late. And turning on each other is getting ever more popular. Now, I can't say that I am innocent when it comes to keeping secrets, and telling lies, as I've done my fair share, but I've never promised I'd never lie to someone, then flat out lie to their face, literally, one minute later. I am quite shocked at how short my list of people i can trust is getting. I hope that I am able to get over this disappointment, but its going to be very hard.

<3 Romy

“The most exciting place to discover talent is in yourself” -Ashleigh Brilliant

A friend of sorts came to me with an amazing song a few weeks back. I told him that I loved it. He told me that he wanted to make it into something. Have some kids sing with him. I encouraged him to go for it. I thought his idea sounded amazing. Last night, he came to me with the finished product. It was pure brilliance. I wanted to share his amazing piece with you. And I hope he continues to make such beautiful music.

To listen to his piece, please go here

i wanna have a revelation
she just left for the train station
i wanna be a good man
i like to hold hands
i wanna learn and grow
but i, i dont know where to go
but when im with you i know
cause when i m with you i grow
i think about summer
barefoot and carefree
nappin and laughin
I wait for another
but what have i got to lose but face
cuz staning here has gotten boring
I thought i'd find a brand new place
I thought i'd write a brand new story
but things have gotten blurry again
I wonder if i'm ever gonna have friends
whats the story

CHORUS:
I think it would be fun to run
in the grass
and tumble down a hill with you
laughing at the bottom and all along the way
I think it would be fun to run
in the grass
and tumble down a hill with you
laughing at the bottom and all along the way
all along the way
all along the way

i wanna have a revelation
she just left for the train station
i wanna be a good man
i like to hold hands
I wanna learn and grow
but i, dont know where to go
cause when i'm with you I know
cause when i'm with you I grow
but what have i got to lose but face
cause staning here has gotten boring
I thought i'd find a brand new place
I thought i'd write a brand new story
but things have gotten blurry again
I wonder if i'm ever gonna have friends
whats the story

CHORUS

whats the story baby
whats the story baby
whats the story baby
whats the story baby
Story baby

CHORUS

whats the story baby
whats the story baby
whats the story baby

laughing at the bottom and all along the way

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever does” -Margaret Mead

Tomorrow is YPONC's March Meet and Greet. I'm feeling so stressed out about it! I can't stop thinking about it. I'm hoping we have a good turnout this month, and that alot of girls show up. But at the same time, i'm dreading having a lot of people show, as its hard to keep all those babies in check. Anyway, I hope it shall be fun like the meet and greets in the past!

I re-started the website for YPONC also. Hopefully I can have fully functional forums, an updated newsletter area for each month, a welcome page, a rules page, a real roll call area, and an area to keep pictures of each meet and greet in. Its taking alot of time, but I think it will be very beneficial to the group when its done.

<3 Romy

“I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.” -Fannie Lou Hamer

When I awoke today, I rolled over and glanced at the clock. 11:45. It was so late for me to be waking up. I sat up, and was greeted with a pounding headache, a sore throat, an upset stomach, and a congested head. I called work, and let them know that I wouldn't be there today.
Keddy let me sleep until around one. He was such a gentleman all day! He went to Target and got me some medicine, and to the grocery store to get me some soup. He let me lay around all day and relax. It was a nice change. On the downside though, I'm getting really tired of always being sick. This is the third time in 3 months that I have fallen ill. I can only take so much more of this. Starting April 1, 2007, I will have health insurance. I am going to go to a doctor and I am going to see if they can get to the bottom of why I'm always sick.

<3 Romy

“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.” -James Matthew Barrie

DIRTY BEAUTIFUL

A short story

As I lay on my back, on the old wooden bed, I watched the ceiling dance across the room. The intricate shape of each ridge and line empowered my imagination, and for a few minutes, I felt as if nothing were wrong. I listened hard, but I could not hear anything, for I was, once again, alone. Daphne was out doing her normal routine of standing outside the building and pacing, while her cigarette hung loosely from her pale, straight, sullen, lips. Bethany was out in the hall delivering her feelings to her new found boyfriend. Coral was at the store getting a jar of peanut butter. And Xander, was lying next to me in bed, sound asleep. I love to watch Xander sleep, he looks so innocent.
I must have dozed off because what seemed like only a few minutes really turned out to be a series of several prolonged hours. Once again, I lay in bed and listened to the sounds of the apartment. But they were interrupted by Geneva, my five year old daughter. She is a sickly little thing. Her brownish0auburn hair, just brushes her shoulders in a big knot of tangles and dirt, her light brown eyes, like pools of mud in a solitary tomb, and her skin, medium olive, like mine. Her face was streaked with dirt. Her orange t-shirt was slightly too big, and it hung off of her right shoulder. Her little green pants were covered in filth from playing in street previously that day. She was wearing no shoes and she had her head hanging low. “mommy”, she whpered “can I have something to eat?”
My eyes filled with tears, “No Geneva”, was all I could choke out. “But mommy my tummy is hurting”, she fussed. I stood up and approached Geneva. My hands shaking with rage from her whining. “I told you, we don’t have anything to eat! My God!” Geneva fell to her knees in tears, and I crawled back into bed, my eyes tearing up.
When Xander awoke, he took me in his arms and gently kissed me. “good morning sunshine”, he said to me. All I could do was cry. “whats the matter?” he cautiously asked.
“I yelled at Geneva”, I choked. “I almost hit her.”
He just stared at me with wide eyes. “Where is she?” he asked. “I don’t know, I went back to sleep”. I replied back to him.


Coral, Daphne, and Bethany were sitting on the floor playing cards when I finally got out of bed. “hey Gen, did ya sleep well?” Coral asked. I just shrugged at her and shuffled into the bathroom for a long and hot shower. But when I turned the fading, brass knobs, nothing happened.
“Hey Daphne!” I cried, “wheres the water?”
Daphne replied “We didn’t pay the bill this month. Or last. Or the month before that. They shut it off. Just don’t worry about it.”
I did worry about it though. I remembered a time when I was younger and my brother put me in the bathtub. He said I smelled. I had no idea at the time what he was doing, but when I learned of the horror he portrayed on me, I wished death upon him. I shuddered at the memory, and a single tear streamed down my cheek. I walked into the kitchen, and caught a glimpse of myself in the chrome sink. My tall, thin body, with the hourglass shape, and my long straggly auburn hair, and my sunken medium green eyes, made me look sickly. So this is what death looks like, I thought to myself.


“Xander!” I yelled. “What is wrong with you?” I watched him stare at me in bewilderment as I caught my breath and sat down.
“I think I should be wondering what is wrong with YOU” he said in a cold tone.
“You haven’t been acting normal in weeks.”
“I HATE HER!” I yelled.
“Hate who?” he cautiously questioned.
“GENEVA!” I screamed at him.
It was true. I hated her. I wanted her to die. So I thought. But all I could do was mope around and cry. Why hadn’t I ever stopped him? I thought as I dreamt about past events.
Bethany set her hand on my back to pat me, and I turned around and slugged her. Natural reation, I guess.
“What was that for? You bitch!” She yelled.
“I’m sorry!” I started crying.
Then it dawned on her. “I’m sorry I touched your back.” she gently said.
“Its fine.” I reassured her.
Five days later, Geneva turned six. I tried to throw a party for her, but I had no money and I couldn’t bear the thought of doing something for her. She walked around with a sad look on her face for nearly three days after her birthday. I felt that she didn’t deserve a party anyway. She whined about being hungry when she knew damn good and well that we had no food.

I started counseling today. My doctor told me that I’m depressed. He put me on a prescription drug to help me sleep. Didn’t I sleep enough anyway? He told me to tell him about my childhood. I laid back in the chair, closed my eyes, and started talking. I was scared at first.
When I was three my father left me on the subway with my older brother. My brother raised me until I was twelve. At twelve, he sent me out alone to fend for myself.
“Hmmmm.” He said. “what happened between the subway and your brother setting you free?”
I just shrugged.
“Well? Are you going to talk to me?” he urged.
I just shrugged again.
“Well fine. I will put you on an anti depressant and send you on your way if you have nothing else to share.” he said to me, sternly.
“Wait!” I said. “I’ll tell you. When I was younger, my brother would hurt me. I have a huge scar on my shoulder because of him. He burnt me and beat me when I was twelve. Then left me in the apartment to fend for myself. All I have is my friends.”
“What about your daughter?” he asked.
“Oh. I hate her.” I bluntly replied.


My daughter no longer lives with me. She was placed in a foster home. So much for telling the truth.


As I lie here in bed, I watch the ceiling dance across the room. The intricate shape of each ridge and line, empowering my imagination. For a few minutes, I feel as if nothing were wrong. That is the way my life should always be. But it isn’t. It is quite the opposite. Maybe someday I will pull my self out of this horror, known as life, and reside in a little house with Xander by my side, and the beautiful daughter that I will never learn to appreciate.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." -Unknown

Have you ever experienced a feeling of perfection in its purest form? As afternoon faded into evening, I experienced a feeling of relief, perfection, and happiness. It was comforting, to say the least. It all started around 4:15pm. I tuned into 93.3 on the radio, and listened to the relaxing sounds of Hey There Delilah by The Plain White Tee’s. As the music flooded my ears, I pulled some items out of my refrigerator, and began preparing an appetizer to take to the neighbors. I spread the cream cheese on the tortillas, sprinkled on the olives and the peppers, and sang along to the relaxing tune. The song faded out, and was followed by a few more delightfully relaxing songs. After my tortillas were rolled and cut, I plopped myself down on my couch. It was abnormally warm today, so the balcony door was open, and a nice cool breeze was circulating itself through my small apartment. It was nice to just be able to close my eyes and sip my water for even a short moment. I was able to just relax, unwind, and clear my head. I daydreamed a bit. Thought about moving to Seattle, starting over, and making a better life for myself and my daughter. All in all, I couldn’t ask for a better day.

<3 Romy

'I want, by understanding myself, to understand others. I want to be all that I am capable of becoming. -Katherine Mansfield'

To Who May Come Across My Blog,

I am not the type that generally keeps a diary. I express myself through poetry and song. Stories and tales. I ramble. Ramble to the point where most can not bear to read or listen to me anymore. Much of what i say will not make sense. But it will, indeed, have a reason for being said. As everyone should be heard. Sometimes I will create several things in a matter of minutes. Other times, I will go weeks, even months without updating. Because, you see, I am not one for conformity and routine. I do things spuratically, and on a whim. I do believe that this blog will not only give me a place to vent, but also help give myself a better understanding of who I truly am and where I am going in my life.

Much Love,
Romy

Rosie,

I think I figured it out. <333

Love ya,
Romy