“Why do they call it a crush? Because that's how you feel when they don't feel the same way in return.” -Unknown

Lately, I've come to develop quite the crush on someone. Its a very bad crush at that. I am terrified to have such strong feelings for a person, for more than one reason. Both of us being in serious relationships doesn't help. Not to mention the distance. I'm terrified to tell them how I feel, as I'm afraid of rejection. Nothing is worse than having someone you care about tell you they don't feel the same way.

I felt like writing tonight, as I've been a little blue. This song is what I ended up with:

I’d do anything to see him
Even if it means when that moment is done
He’d forget everything about me
I would take out the seconds, each one

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
Even just for a minute of song

Each breath would be a new start
Because I would be held in his warm embrace
I would wait for that perfect moment
Where the memories without him, I’d erase

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
Even just for a minute of song

The distance just feels so much greater
As I count down the months and the days
The wait, it is getting harder
I am longing for his amazing gaze

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
Even just for a minute of song

And no one could take that from me
And nothing could ever go wrong
Because when in his arms I’d be happy
I’ve been waiting for what seems like so long

I also managed to come up with this poem. Its not as good as my song, but I figured it was worth posting anyway.

I see him standing there
Just a figment of my mind
Then I remember
The things I’ve put behind
I think of the girl who gets to call him her own
And I realize that its not me
I would do anything to be that girl
I wish that’s who I could be
I knew one day this moment would come
When I’d face these feelings
Each and everyone
Not able to speak the words, as they lye on the edge of my tongue
I’m scared to lose my chance
But afraid that that chance has come and gone
I see such a perfect romance
I don’t want to lose what I don’t already have
If only I could tell him
If I could just make him see
Maybe someday
His girl would be me

<3 Romy

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you” - Friedrich Nietzsche

Why is it that people think that it is ok to blatantly lie to me, even though they know that I know that they are lying? When I ask someone a question, that i indefinitely know the answer too, and they flat out lie to me, I find it very insulting. In fact, I find it upsetting. Over the past week, I have come to learn a lot about some people I'd considered friends. After months of building, what I thought were friendships, I am very disappointed to see what those 'friendships' really meant to those people. Secrets and lies seem to be the norm of things as of late. And turning on each other is getting ever more popular. Now, I can't say that I am innocent when it comes to keeping secrets, and telling lies, as I've done my fair share, but I've never promised I'd never lie to someone, then flat out lie to their face, literally, one minute later. I am quite shocked at how short my list of people i can trust is getting. I hope that I am able to get over this disappointment, but its going to be very hard.

<3 Romy

“The most exciting place to discover talent is in yourself” -Ashleigh Brilliant

A friend of sorts came to me with an amazing song a few weeks back. I told him that I loved it. He told me that he wanted to make it into something. Have some kids sing with him. I encouraged him to go for it. I thought his idea sounded amazing. Last night, he came to me with the finished product. It was pure brilliance. I wanted to share his amazing piece with you. And I hope he continues to make such beautiful music.

To listen to his piece, please go here

i wanna have a revelation
she just left for the train station
i wanna be a good man
i like to hold hands
i wanna learn and grow
but i, i dont know where to go
but when im with you i know
cause when i m with you i grow
i think about summer
barefoot and carefree
nappin and laughin
I wait for another
but what have i got to lose but face
cuz staning here has gotten boring
I thought i'd find a brand new place
I thought i'd write a brand new story
but things have gotten blurry again
I wonder if i'm ever gonna have friends
whats the story

CHORUS:
I think it would be fun to run
in the grass
and tumble down a hill with you
laughing at the bottom and all along the way
I think it would be fun to run
in the grass
and tumble down a hill with you
laughing at the bottom and all along the way
all along the way
all along the way

i wanna have a revelation
she just left for the train station
i wanna be a good man
i like to hold hands
I wanna learn and grow
but i, dont know where to go
cause when i'm with you I know
cause when i'm with you I grow
but what have i got to lose but face
cause staning here has gotten boring
I thought i'd find a brand new place
I thought i'd write a brand new story
but things have gotten blurry again
I wonder if i'm ever gonna have friends
whats the story

CHORUS

whats the story baby
whats the story baby
whats the story baby
whats the story baby
Story baby

CHORUS

whats the story baby
whats the story baby
whats the story baby

laughing at the bottom and all along the way

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever does” -Margaret Mead

Tomorrow is YPONC's March Meet and Greet. I'm feeling so stressed out about it! I can't stop thinking about it. I'm hoping we have a good turnout this month, and that alot of girls show up. But at the same time, i'm dreading having a lot of people show, as its hard to keep all those babies in check. Anyway, I hope it shall be fun like the meet and greets in the past!

I re-started the website for YPONC also. Hopefully I can have fully functional forums, an updated newsletter area for each month, a welcome page, a rules page, a real roll call area, and an area to keep pictures of each meet and greet in. Its taking alot of time, but I think it will be very beneficial to the group when its done.

<3 Romy

“I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.” -Fannie Lou Hamer

When I awoke today, I rolled over and glanced at the clock. 11:45. It was so late for me to be waking up. I sat up, and was greeted with a pounding headache, a sore throat, an upset stomach, and a congested head. I called work, and let them know that I wouldn't be there today.
Keddy let me sleep until around one. He was such a gentleman all day! He went to Target and got me some medicine, and to the grocery store to get me some soup. He let me lay around all day and relax. It was a nice change. On the downside though, I'm getting really tired of always being sick. This is the third time in 3 months that I have fallen ill. I can only take so much more of this. Starting April 1, 2007, I will have health insurance. I am going to go to a doctor and I am going to see if they can get to the bottom of why I'm always sick.

<3 Romy

“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.” -James Matthew Barrie

DIRTY BEAUTIFUL

A short story

As I lay on my back, on the old wooden bed, I watched the ceiling dance across the room. The intricate shape of each ridge and line empowered my imagination, and for a few minutes, I felt as if nothing were wrong. I listened hard, but I could not hear anything, for I was, once again, alone. Daphne was out doing her normal routine of standing outside the building and pacing, while her cigarette hung loosely from her pale, straight, sullen, lips. Bethany was out in the hall delivering her feelings to her new found boyfriend. Coral was at the store getting a jar of peanut butter. And Xander, was lying next to me in bed, sound asleep. I love to watch Xander sleep, he looks so innocent.
I must have dozed off because what seemed like only a few minutes really turned out to be a series of several prolonged hours. Once again, I lay in bed and listened to the sounds of the apartment. But they were interrupted by Geneva, my five year old daughter. She is a sickly little thing. Her brownish0auburn hair, just brushes her shoulders in a big knot of tangles and dirt, her light brown eyes, like pools of mud in a solitary tomb, and her skin, medium olive, like mine. Her face was streaked with dirt. Her orange t-shirt was slightly too big, and it hung off of her right shoulder. Her little green pants were covered in filth from playing in street previously that day. She was wearing no shoes and she had her head hanging low. “mommy”, she whpered “can I have something to eat?”
My eyes filled with tears, “No Geneva”, was all I could choke out. “But mommy my tummy is hurting”, she fussed. I stood up and approached Geneva. My hands shaking with rage from her whining. “I told you, we don’t have anything to eat! My God!” Geneva fell to her knees in tears, and I crawled back into bed, my eyes tearing up.
When Xander awoke, he took me in his arms and gently kissed me. “good morning sunshine”, he said to me. All I could do was cry. “whats the matter?” he cautiously asked.
“I yelled at Geneva”, I choked. “I almost hit her.”
He just stared at me with wide eyes. “Where is she?” he asked. “I don’t know, I went back to sleep”. I replied back to him.


Coral, Daphne, and Bethany were sitting on the floor playing cards when I finally got out of bed. “hey Gen, did ya sleep well?” Coral asked. I just shrugged at her and shuffled into the bathroom for a long and hot shower. But when I turned the fading, brass knobs, nothing happened.
“Hey Daphne!” I cried, “wheres the water?”
Daphne replied “We didn’t pay the bill this month. Or last. Or the month before that. They shut it off. Just don’t worry about it.”
I did worry about it though. I remembered a time when I was younger and my brother put me in the bathtub. He said I smelled. I had no idea at the time what he was doing, but when I learned of the horror he portrayed on me, I wished death upon him. I shuddered at the memory, and a single tear streamed down my cheek. I walked into the kitchen, and caught a glimpse of myself in the chrome sink. My tall, thin body, with the hourglass shape, and my long straggly auburn hair, and my sunken medium green eyes, made me look sickly. So this is what death looks like, I thought to myself.


“Xander!” I yelled. “What is wrong with you?” I watched him stare at me in bewilderment as I caught my breath and sat down.
“I think I should be wondering what is wrong with YOU” he said in a cold tone.
“You haven’t been acting normal in weeks.”
“I HATE HER!” I yelled.
“Hate who?” he cautiously questioned.
“GENEVA!” I screamed at him.
It was true. I hated her. I wanted her to die. So I thought. But all I could do was mope around and cry. Why hadn’t I ever stopped him? I thought as I dreamt about past events.
Bethany set her hand on my back to pat me, and I turned around and slugged her. Natural reation, I guess.
“What was that for? You bitch!” She yelled.
“I’m sorry!” I started crying.
Then it dawned on her. “I’m sorry I touched your back.” she gently said.
“Its fine.” I reassured her.
Five days later, Geneva turned six. I tried to throw a party for her, but I had no money and I couldn’t bear the thought of doing something for her. She walked around with a sad look on her face for nearly three days after her birthday. I felt that she didn’t deserve a party anyway. She whined about being hungry when she knew damn good and well that we had no food.

I started counseling today. My doctor told me that I’m depressed. He put me on a prescription drug to help me sleep. Didn’t I sleep enough anyway? He told me to tell him about my childhood. I laid back in the chair, closed my eyes, and started talking. I was scared at first.
When I was three my father left me on the subway with my older brother. My brother raised me until I was twelve. At twelve, he sent me out alone to fend for myself.
“Hmmmm.” He said. “what happened between the subway and your brother setting you free?”
I just shrugged.
“Well? Are you going to talk to me?” he urged.
I just shrugged again.
“Well fine. I will put you on an anti depressant and send you on your way if you have nothing else to share.” he said to me, sternly.
“Wait!” I said. “I’ll tell you. When I was younger, my brother would hurt me. I have a huge scar on my shoulder because of him. He burnt me and beat me when I was twelve. Then left me in the apartment to fend for myself. All I have is my friends.”
“What about your daughter?” he asked.
“Oh. I hate her.” I bluntly replied.


My daughter no longer lives with me. She was placed in a foster home. So much for telling the truth.


As I lie here in bed, I watch the ceiling dance across the room. The intricate shape of each ridge and line, empowering my imagination. For a few minutes, I feel as if nothing were wrong. That is the way my life should always be. But it isn’t. It is quite the opposite. Maybe someday I will pull my self out of this horror, known as life, and reside in a little house with Xander by my side, and the beautiful daughter that I will never learn to appreciate.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." -Unknown

Have you ever experienced a feeling of perfection in its purest form? As afternoon faded into evening, I experienced a feeling of relief, perfection, and happiness. It was comforting, to say the least. It all started around 4:15pm. I tuned into 93.3 on the radio, and listened to the relaxing sounds of Hey There Delilah by The Plain White Tee’s. As the music flooded my ears, I pulled some items out of my refrigerator, and began preparing an appetizer to take to the neighbors. I spread the cream cheese on the tortillas, sprinkled on the olives and the peppers, and sang along to the relaxing tune. The song faded out, and was followed by a few more delightfully relaxing songs. After my tortillas were rolled and cut, I plopped myself down on my couch. It was abnormally warm today, so the balcony door was open, and a nice cool breeze was circulating itself through my small apartment. It was nice to just be able to close my eyes and sip my water for even a short moment. I was able to just relax, unwind, and clear my head. I daydreamed a bit. Thought about moving to Seattle, starting over, and making a better life for myself and my daughter. All in all, I couldn’t ask for a better day.

<3 Romy