"When mistrust comes in, love goes out." -Irish Proverbb
Straight answers seem to be something that I haven't been able to find, recently. It was getting to the point where I was losing the little bit of patience I had left; the small thread that was binding me to thoughts of a better future, was the same thread that was pulling me into an abyss of loneliness and driving me to a point of insanity. Tonight, however, I was drawn to my senses, and inclined to finally give my mind a rest, no matter how short that rest may be. The outcome of my choice tonight, filled me with nothing but appreciation for a close friend and the ability to finally say what I have been holding back for so long. I was given the confirmation of my worst fears and my suspicions were laid to rest. The things a person can learn from simply asking is astounding.
Though my answers were found, I'm still stuck in a state of limbo. The lies that I've been handed within the past few months, are almost unbearable. It's one thing to do wrong, but to lie about the wrong doing, is far worse. I'm not perfect, nor have I always made the right choices, but when asked about them, I at least have had the decency to tell the truth. I'm smarter than I was given credit for. I've felt like I've read the plot summary to a play I'm not fond of, and now, I'm being forced to sit through the entire show. I already know what's going on, there's no point in staying for the second act.
On a final note, I've come to realize who my true friends are, these past few months; And, consequently, I'm left feeling more alone than ever. But rest assured, those that are left standing by my side, are more than appreciated, and will forever have me here, no matter the reason I am needed.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
“I want to be very close to someone I respect and admire and have somebody who feels the same way about me.” -Richard Bach
This was originally a bulletin I read on myspace, posted by my twelve year old niece. I was very surprised after reading this, just how true most of this list is.
*When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
*When she stares at your lips, Kiss her.
*When she pushes you or hits you, Grab her and don’t let go.
*When she starts cursing at you, Kiss her and tell her you love her.
*When she's quiet, ask her what’s wrong.
*When she ignores you, Give her your attention.
*When she pulls away, pull her back.
*When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful.
*When you see her start crying, just hold her and don’t say a word.
*When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
*When she's scared, protect her.
*When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
*When she steals your favorite hat, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
*When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
*When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is alright.
*When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the TRUTH.
*When she says that she likes you, she means it in a way that goes far beyond anything you could understand.
*When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
*When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
*When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
*When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
*When she misses you, she's hurting inside.
*When you break her heart, the pain NEVER really goes away.
*When she says its over, she STILL wants you to be hers.
*When she repost this bulletin, she wants you to read it.
*Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
*Don't let her have the last word.
*Never call her hot. Pretty and beautiful are so much better.
*Tell her that you love her more than she could ever love youl
*Argue that she is the best girl ever
*When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
*When she says she's 'fine' don’t believe it, talk with her.
*Wake her up at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
*Kiss her before you sleep and after you wake up.
*Treat her like she's all that matters.
*Tease her and let her tease you back.
*Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
*Watch her favorite movie with her, even if you think it's stupid.
*Give her the world.
*Let her wear your clothes.
*When she's bored, hang out with her
*Let her know she's important
*Kiss her in the pouring rain
*When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you should say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
This was originally a bulletin I read on myspace, posted by my twelve year old niece. I was very surprised after reading this, just how true most of this list is.
*When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
*When she stares at your lips, Kiss her.
*When she pushes you or hits you, Grab her and don’t let go.
*When she starts cursing at you, Kiss her and tell her you love her.
*When she's quiet, ask her what’s wrong.
*When she ignores you, Give her your attention.
*When she pulls away, pull her back.
*When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful.
*When you see her start crying, just hold her and don’t say a word.
*When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
*When she's scared, protect her.
*When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
*When she steals your favorite hat, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
*When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
*When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is alright.
*When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the TRUTH.
*When she says that she likes you, she means it in a way that goes far beyond anything you could understand.
*When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
*When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
*When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
*When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
*When she misses you, she's hurting inside.
*When you break her heart, the pain NEVER really goes away.
*When she says its over, she STILL wants you to be hers.
*When she repost this bulletin, she wants you to read it.
*Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
*Don't let her have the last word.
*Never call her hot. Pretty and beautiful are so much better.
*Tell her that you love her more than she could ever love youl
*Argue that she is the best girl ever
*When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
*When she says she's 'fine' don’t believe it, talk with her.
*Wake her up at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
*Kiss her before you sleep and after you wake up.
*Treat her like she's all that matters.
*Tease her and let her tease you back.
*Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
*Watch her favorite movie with her, even if you think it's stupid.
*Give her the world.
*Let her wear your clothes.
*When she's bored, hang out with her
*Let her know she's important
*Kiss her in the pouring rain
*When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you should say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
Friday, June 06, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” - Buddha
After roughly translating my dream, I've come to realize what my dream was telling me. Subconsciously, I'm trying to make a favorable impression on a certain individual. While raising my awareness to this, my dream was also trying to tell me that my needs and desires are starting to be fulfilled, and a new sense of freedom, where I have previously felt limited and restricted, is coming into play. Responsibilities that I've felt have been burdening me, are being thrown to the wind, which in turn, is allowing me to see what develops of a current situation. Also, aspects of my personality which I've rejected, are ready to be integrated into my life, so I can rid myself of a strong emotional and physical burden. I'm on a life journey, in which my mind feels, will help me to gain financially and reinforce old ways of thinking, with a new take on matters.
I'm quite convinced now, that moving to Grand Junction was the first step to a new, happier, life. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and gain confidence in my life, and the choices I make. I see opportunity where I once only saw a dead end, and it's a comforting thought. I see now, after only a week and a half, that I am going to be able to start saving money, and paying off my debt. The burdens of money and responsibility are starting to lift off my shoulders, as I can see a way, now, to get everything paid off. As a person, I have not changed, but for the better. I'm starting to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've previously given myself credit for. I'm stronger than I've always believed, and most of all, I have no reason to lack confidence. All in all, I've only come to find that I have a drive I didn't know existed, and I truly hope that I continue on this path of what seems to be, success.
I was walking around a mall with 2 friends, and I lost a shopping bag of items. While hunting for the shopping bag, the mall closed, and we were left standing, alone, in the dark. We started contemplating what to do, and decided to fly to Europe for a backpacking adventure. We hopped on the plane, but ended up in Singapore instead. Not the bustling metropolis of Singapore, but a very poor, desolate part. [Not sure if that even really exists.] Turns out, we hopped a missionary plane on accident, and had no money to get back. Then, I woke up.
After roughly translating my dream, I've come to realize what my dream was telling me. Subconsciously, I'm trying to make a favorable impression on a certain individual. While raising my awareness to this, my dream was also trying to tell me that my needs and desires are starting to be fulfilled, and a new sense of freedom, where I have previously felt limited and restricted, is coming into play. Responsibilities that I've felt have been burdening me, are being thrown to the wind, which in turn, is allowing me to see what develops of a current situation. Also, aspects of my personality which I've rejected, are ready to be integrated into my life, so I can rid myself of a strong emotional and physical burden. I'm on a life journey, in which my mind feels, will help me to gain financially and reinforce old ways of thinking, with a new take on matters.
I'm quite convinced now, that moving to Grand Junction was the first step to a new, happier, life. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and gain confidence in my life, and the choices I make. I see opportunity where I once only saw a dead end, and it's a comforting thought. I see now, after only a week and a half, that I am going to be able to start saving money, and paying off my debt. The burdens of money and responsibility are starting to lift off my shoulders, as I can see a way, now, to get everything paid off. As a person, I have not changed, but for the better. I'm starting to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've previously given myself credit for. I'm stronger than I've always believed, and most of all, I have no reason to lack confidence. All in all, I've only come to find that I have a drive I didn't know existed, and I truly hope that I continue on this path of what seems to be, success.
Friday, April 11, 2008
"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.” - H. Jackson Brown Jr.
To be fair. What exactly is the art of fairness? What makes something fair; unfair? How is one supposed to grasp the concept of what it means to be fair, when this world is full of only unfair and unjust things? Fairness, is in itself, free from bias, dishonesty, and injustice. It should be legitimately sought and pursued. I've learned, in my very short lifetime, that nothing in this world comes easy, and most everything certainly isn't fair. But, isn't a person entitled to an adequate explanation, when a decision is made, yet left unknown to the affected party? It's instances of inequity, that could be laid to rest by a simple explanation, that rip apart friendships and ruin relationships. And it's within these instances, that a damper is put upon the current state of humanity. I hope that, with time, our generation can adhere to general morals and principles, and keep a sense of integrity. This is our world; Why taint it with hate, dishonesty, and unfairness?
To be fair. What exactly is the art of fairness? What makes something fair; unfair? How is one supposed to grasp the concept of what it means to be fair, when this world is full of only unfair and unjust things? Fairness, is in itself, free from bias, dishonesty, and injustice. It should be legitimately sought and pursued. I've learned, in my very short lifetime, that nothing in this world comes easy, and most everything certainly isn't fair. But, isn't a person entitled to an adequate explanation, when a decision is made, yet left unknown to the affected party? It's instances of inequity, that could be laid to rest by a simple explanation, that rip apart friendships and ruin relationships. And it's within these instances, that a damper is put upon the current state of humanity. I hope that, with time, our generation can adhere to general morals and principles, and keep a sense of integrity. This is our world; Why taint it with hate, dishonesty, and unfairness?
Monday, March 17, 2008
"We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams.” - Unknown
Our emotional state of choice is Ecstasy. Our nourishment of choice is Love. Our addiction of choice is technology. Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none. Our society of choice is utopian though we know it will never be. You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence. We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children. We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself. We are The Massive. One Massive. We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring. We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it, we came to accept that we are all the same. We came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal. And somewhere around 35Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these very realizations that each of was truly born. We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night. Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in it's purest, most intense, most hedonistic form. In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us. We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackles and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind. We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born. Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that even tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels. Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands. Programming that tells us to close our minds, instead of open them. Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the distopian reality of the world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in: Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony, Expression, Responsibility and Respect. Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence. But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party. You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end. I am a raver, and this is my manifesto. We've been losing unity in the scene, and it seems so many people don't even know what they're there for. I wrote this knowing that if we can get this out to enough people and on enough sites, we can educate some people, and help bring back the unity we need to keep this scene at the amazing level it's at today. Spread this around.
Our emotional state of choice is Ecstasy. Our nourishment of choice is Love. Our addiction of choice is technology. Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none. Our society of choice is utopian though we know it will never be. You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence. We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children. We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself. We are The Massive. One Massive. We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring. We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it, we came to accept that we are all the same. We came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal. And somewhere around 35Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these very realizations that each of was truly born. We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night. Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in it's purest, most intense, most hedonistic form. In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us. We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackles and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind. We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born. Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that even tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels. Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands. Programming that tells us to close our minds, instead of open them. Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the distopian reality of the world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in: Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony, Expression, Responsibility and Respect. Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence. But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party. You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end. I am a raver, and this is my manifesto. We've been losing unity in the scene, and it seems so many people don't even know what they're there for. I wrote this knowing that if we can get this out to enough people and on enough sites, we can educate some people, and help bring back the unity we need to keep this scene at the amazing level it's at today. Spread this around.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
"I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever." -- Amy Tan
A very close friend of mine sent this to me. It really doesn't make much sense to the normal English ear, but once translated, it is absolutely amazing. Not only does it have beautifully written instrumentals, but the lyrics are that of something that can not be surpassed. It is so full of genuine emotion, I was absolutely blown away.
Nick en Simon Kijk omhoog
After a long fall
You climb back up
Look at the time to come
What will it hold?
You don't know it either
Will you get all you wanted?
And your head is full of worries
Keeps your body in chains
There will always be a tomorrow
Even after the longest night
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
This road leads the way
It leads you to the future
This cloud is quickly floating by
Life shows you a turn
You can move on now
Feel the sun on your face
It's way past due
That you free yourself
See it in another light
And your head is full of worries
Keeps your body in chains
There will always be a tomorrow
Even after the longest night
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
This road leads the way
It leads you to the future
This cloud is quickly floating by
Cause this cloud is quickly floating by
Cause this cloud is quickly floating by
A very close friend of mine sent this to me. It really doesn't make much sense to the normal English ear, but once translated, it is absolutely amazing. Not only does it have beautifully written instrumentals, but the lyrics are that of something that can not be surpassed. It is so full of genuine emotion, I was absolutely blown away.
Nick en Simon Kijk omhoog
After a long fall
You climb back up
Look at the time to come
What will it hold?
You don't know it either
Will you get all you wanted?
And your head is full of worries
Keeps your body in chains
There will always be a tomorrow
Even after the longest night
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
This road leads the way
It leads you to the future
This cloud is quickly floating by
Life shows you a turn
You can move on now
Feel the sun on your face
It's way past due
That you free yourself
See it in another light
And your head is full of worries
Keeps your body in chains
There will always be a tomorrow
Even after the longest night
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
This road leads the way
It leads you to the future
This cloud is quickly floating by
Cause this cloud is quickly floating by
Cause this cloud is quickly floating by
Friday, January 04, 2008
"Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early." --Doug Stanhope
I wish i could be happy. With something. Anything. I can't handle my daughter. I can't handle raising my brother. I can't handle the never ending chain of pretending everything is alright all day long, only to end up locked in the bathroom, crying so hard i can't breathe, with the shower on to muffle my cries, making enemies with the toilette. I can't handle my family, my friends. I can't stay home all the time, yet, I can't handle the stress of going out. Theres no way out now. I have no alternative. No escape route or get out of jail free card. I'm stuck. I'm living in a hell that I've created for myself. And I can't stop the flames from burning my body. I want nothing more than to rage quit on my life right now. Stop things before they get even worse. I'm desperate. Scared. Tired. Done.
I wish i could be happy. With something. Anything. I can't handle my daughter. I can't handle raising my brother. I can't handle the never ending chain of pretending everything is alright all day long, only to end up locked in the bathroom, crying so hard i can't breathe, with the shower on to muffle my cries, making enemies with the toilette. I can't handle my family, my friends. I can't stay home all the time, yet, I can't handle the stress of going out. Theres no way out now. I have no alternative. No escape route or get out of jail free card. I'm stuck. I'm living in a hell that I've created for myself. And I can't stop the flames from burning my body. I want nothing more than to rage quit on my life right now. Stop things before they get even worse. I'm desperate. Scared. Tired. Done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)