"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to." --John Ed Pearce
Christmastime. A time of happiness, love, peace, and joy. A time, most often, spent with family, and surrounded by those we love. Among the sounds of laughter, piles of presents, inches and feet of snow, trees of lights, and plates of food, is a sense of home, comfort, and peace.
Last night, Christmas Eve, I felt a feeling of 'home' for the first time in my life. And I wanted nothing more than to stay there. I even asked, jokingly of course, if I could. I got the joking answer back of "Aww! Ash misses her mommy and wants to come home!". I couldn't ever admit it, but it was true. I did miss home. I still miss home. I miss having a sense of familiarity.
At the same time, I crave change. I want something different, bigger, better. I want to be far from here, and never having to look back. I long for days in the big city, away from the rural fields and cows. I want everything, home is not.
On a different note, I got everything I'd asked for this year. I got a coat, an outfit, a hat, and a calendar. I saw my whole family. I had time with my daughter, my brother, kim, everyone i could want to see. The food was great. The chats were awesome. Yet, I'm not happy. I'm quite opposite, to be frank. Misery doesn't even begin to describe it. I wish I knew what were wrong with me.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
"The three words women most want to hear from a man are, "You lost weight" -Lori Gottlie
Someday I'll be beautiful. The pressure to be thin; pretty; sexy; will no longer apply to me. I'll be all three. I'll be the girl people look at and think, "WHOA! She looks phenomenal!" Confidence won't be foreign ground anymore. I'll be what I was prepped to be at such a young age.
After looking at some recent photographs of myself, I've decided that it is time for some serious dedication and commitment. I've gained two-pounds in the past 2 days. I know that 2-pounds sounds like such a small and trivial amount, but its not. As much as I wish I could, theres no way i'd ever be able to explain what runs through my head, or why such a small number could affect me so much. All i'm thinking right now is, how could that have possibly happened? HOW?!? I've let myself go. I've given into my urges to binge; yet not thought of the conesquences, nor the horrific number the scale would throw at me the next morning. I guess it's back to the hell of restriction....
Someday I'll be beautiful. The pressure to be thin; pretty; sexy; will no longer apply to me. I'll be all three. I'll be the girl people look at and think, "WHOA! She looks phenomenal!" Confidence won't be foreign ground anymore. I'll be what I was prepped to be at such a young age.
After looking at some recent photographs of myself, I've decided that it is time for some serious dedication and commitment. I've gained two-pounds in the past 2 days. I know that 2-pounds sounds like such a small and trivial amount, but its not. As much as I wish I could, theres no way i'd ever be able to explain what runs through my head, or why such a small number could affect me so much. All i'm thinking right now is, how could that have possibly happened? HOW?!? I've let myself go. I've given into my urges to binge; yet not thought of the conesquences, nor the horrific number the scale would throw at me the next morning. I guess it's back to the hell of restriction....
Monday, December 10, 2007
"Behind every adventure is an idea; behind every idea is an inspiration." - Myself
It's not enough to just say, I want to change my life; I need to do something different. It takes struggling, trying, hoping, wishing, dreaming. Longing for the moment where a person can head into the sunset and just never look back. That single moment, that one knows, in their heart, that they are on their way to happiness.
As hard as one tries, it's still known that Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. Even if that ending doesn't go as planned, at least we'll have had the opportunity to say that we've lived; experienced life to the fullest.
Sometimes life just seems like a bad dream. But even time can do good things to you. And, hence the waiting, one should let time do its dance around your life. I know that once that dark yet sunny day comes, I'll be risking all that I love, my daughter, my job, my life as I know it. But a risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
Adventure is calling. I long to travel, to see the world through a looking glass, foreign to my eyes. Because, you see, there is a third dimension to traveling, the longing for what is beyond. And I'm ready.
It's not enough to just say, I want to change my life; I need to do something different. It takes struggling, trying, hoping, wishing, dreaming. Longing for the moment where a person can head into the sunset and just never look back. That single moment, that one knows, in their heart, that they are on their way to happiness.
As hard as one tries, it's still known that Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. Even if that ending doesn't go as planned, at least we'll have had the opportunity to say that we've lived; experienced life to the fullest.
Sometimes life just seems like a bad dream. But even time can do good things to you. And, hence the waiting, one should let time do its dance around your life. I know that once that dark yet sunny day comes, I'll be risking all that I love, my daughter, my job, my life as I know it. But a risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
Adventure is calling. I long to travel, to see the world through a looking glass, foreign to my eyes. Because, you see, there is a third dimension to traveling, the longing for what is beyond. And I'm ready.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express."-- Joseph Addison
On a brisk Christmas morning, in 1988, a babbling and bubbly 3 year old tore through the house, to get to the presents Old Saint Nick had left for her. She squealed with happiness when she saw the giant, 3 foot tall, doll house sitting in the middle of the living room. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
Christmas eve, 9 years later, an excited 12 year old girl, quickly read the tag on her large package. "To: Ashley Love: Papa", it read. She ripped the paper off, to reveal a brand new karaoke machine. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
On Christmas morning, in 2001, a groggy 16 year old girl, slowly shuffled her way towards the tree. Underneath the tree, laid a brand new skateboard, with a tag that read "To: Ashley Love: Santa" Even though she no longer believed in santa, and hadn't in a while, She knew who it was from. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
When Christmas eve arrived, 4 years later, a tired, 20 year old, sat on the couch bouncing her new baby. A small box sat on her lap, with a tag that read "To: Ashley Love: Papa". Inside was money and a business card. Six guitar lessons. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
On Christmas day, 2006, a happy 21 year old sat at Christmas brunch. A package in front of her with a tag that read "To: Papa Love: Ashley". It was a pair of pajamas and a shirt. It was exactly what he'd wanted.
Every year, as far back as I can remember, no matter the money situation, Papa always made sure that I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas. And this year, all I want for Christmas is to walk through the door and see Papa, sitting in his chair, laughing with the family, and having a good time again.
On a brisk Christmas morning, in 1988, a babbling and bubbly 3 year old tore through the house, to get to the presents Old Saint Nick had left for her. She squealed with happiness when she saw the giant, 3 foot tall, doll house sitting in the middle of the living room. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
Christmas eve, 9 years later, an excited 12 year old girl, quickly read the tag on her large package. "To: Ashley Love: Papa", it read. She ripped the paper off, to reveal a brand new karaoke machine. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
On Christmas morning, in 2001, a groggy 16 year old girl, slowly shuffled her way towards the tree. Underneath the tree, laid a brand new skateboard, with a tag that read "To: Ashley Love: Santa" Even though she no longer believed in santa, and hadn't in a while, She knew who it was from. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
When Christmas eve arrived, 4 years later, a tired, 20 year old, sat on the couch bouncing her new baby. A small box sat on her lap, with a tag that read "To: Ashley Love: Papa". Inside was money and a business card. Six guitar lessons. It was exactly what she'd wanted.
On Christmas day, 2006, a happy 21 year old sat at Christmas brunch. A package in front of her with a tag that read "To: Papa Love: Ashley". It was a pair of pajamas and a shirt. It was exactly what he'd wanted.
Every year, as far back as I can remember, no matter the money situation, Papa always made sure that I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas. And this year, all I want for Christmas is to walk through the door and see Papa, sitting in his chair, laughing with the family, and having a good time again.
I love and miss you, dad. So much.
"What a wonderful life I had. I only wish i'd realized it sooner."--Sidonie Gabrielle
December. What is it about this time of year that depresses me most? Ask me any year prior to this, and I would have told you a multitude of reasons. But now, looking back on all of the past holidays, The Christmas's, the New Years; they all seem so wonderful in comparison to what I'm facing this year. The petty family fights, the sibling squabbles, the arguments over money; it all seems so trivial.
Generally, I welcome change with open arms. I thrive off of change. Constant, steady, change. But this year, I'm absolutely terrified of the change the Holidays are planning on sneaking up with. I'm clinging to false hope, just in case I have that brief opportunity to grasp onto the normalcy that my family once possessed. The traditions they spent generations creating, are fading into the boxes and boxes of photographic proof, that they once existed.
December. What is it about this time of year that depresses me most? Ask me any year prior to this, and I would have told you a multitude of reasons. But now, looking back on all of the past holidays, The Christmas's, the New Years; they all seem so wonderful in comparison to what I'm facing this year. The petty family fights, the sibling squabbles, the arguments over money; it all seems so trivial.
Generally, I welcome change with open arms. I thrive off of change. Constant, steady, change. But this year, I'm absolutely terrified of the change the Holidays are planning on sneaking up with. I'm clinging to false hope, just in case I have that brief opportunity to grasp onto the normalcy that my family once possessed. The traditions they spent generations creating, are fading into the boxes and boxes of photographic proof, that they once existed.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." --A. A. Milne
A friend of mine wrote this wonderful poem for me. It is just full of so much love, I couldn't help but share it. I love you M!
Young, hip, and beautiful.
A mother, wife, and daughter,
struggling to keep her life in peace.
Head, mind, and heart in constant battle,
trying so hard not to go with the latter.
The prisoner escapes from her shackles.
Flee's to another universe,
one unknown to her and her kind.
With hopes of a better future,
than the one she left behind.
In her hands she brings a friend,
traveling along side each other
to help, to hold,
with hearts of steel to triumph through any unjustice.
Meeting friends and foes along the journey.
Sharing tears of happiness,
and tears of sorrow,
pushing through the strife and struggle
with smiles of broken hearts,
with hopes of a better future.
A friend of mine wrote this wonderful poem for me. It is just full of so much love, I couldn't help but share it. I love you M!
Young, hip, and beautiful.
A mother, wife, and daughter,
struggling to keep her life in peace.
Head, mind, and heart in constant battle,
trying so hard not to go with the latter.
The prisoner escapes from her shackles.
Flee's to another universe,
one unknown to her and her kind.
With hopes of a better future,
than the one she left behind.
In her hands she brings a friend,
traveling along side each other
to help, to hold,
with hearts of steel to triumph through any unjustice.
Meeting friends and foes along the journey.
Sharing tears of happiness,
and tears of sorrow,
pushing through the strife and struggle
with smiles of broken hearts,
with hopes of a better future.
Monday, December 03, 2007
"You have a choice. Live or Die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be." -- Chuck Palahniuk
Lately, I seem to have hit a wave of depression that has been just crippling. I just want to leave this place, and leave all of the memories behind. It seems like time is just ticking far too slow. I'm slowly wasting away, killing myself slowly with the pain of knowing that i'll never get anywhere or be anything. I want so much, yet I seem to be getting so little. I just wish I could find an alternative method to dealing with everything. I seem to go on mental overload, and I become self destructive. When will all of this come to an end, so I can finally rest?
Lately, I seem to have hit a wave of depression that has been just crippling. I just want to leave this place, and leave all of the memories behind. It seems like time is just ticking far too slow. I'm slowly wasting away, killing myself slowly with the pain of knowing that i'll never get anywhere or be anything. I want so much, yet I seem to be getting so little. I just wish I could find an alternative method to dealing with everything. I seem to go on mental overload, and I become self destructive. When will all of this come to an end, so I can finally rest?
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