"Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts." --Penelope Sweets


I'm scaring myself. A lot. I'm shaking I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. I can't kick this dark, numb, blankness that keeps me from focusing. I'm fucking depressed out of my mind.

I've eaten way too much today. I tried really hard not to purge, but I couldn't help it. I dislike purging, but at the same time, i like to do it. it makes me feel empty. I like running miles and miles and working out to exhaustion... it makes me feel like i've gotten rid of everything. My pain, misery, anguish.

I tried really hard to push away the urge to cut. But for some reason, I can't control myself. I let my razor touch my thigh. I let it slip into skin. But for the first time, I didn't feel control. I didn't feel calm. I felt scared.

Suicide seems so real now. I want to make all this go away; the ed, depression, everything! I want to leave behind all the mistakes that I've made and the life that I've ruined. I want to set everyone that's had the misfortune of meeting me, free from the hell I put on them. I just want to peacefully slip under water. Letting the warm fluid engulf me. So peaceful.

I feel like i'm having a mental breakdown. A panic attack.

I'm so so sorry. I feel like such a drama queen. All I do is whine. I should be trying to support all of you. Not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just so overwhelmed. So much is going on. This hell is sucking my life away from me.

"I wish they would only take me as I am" - Vincent Van Gough

I want to, for one day, to be beautiful.
I want to look beautiful.
Feel beautiful.
I want to turn heads.
Whose that girl, they ask.
That girl.
That girl is beautiful.

"I'm not always depressed... only when I think or feel." -Ashleigh Brilliant

With the streak of seemingly unfortunate events that have hit my life in the past few months, i'm left wondering, whats the point. Sometimes, A person just can't take anymore. It seems, as I lay here in the dark, that i've been handed all I can take. As hard as I try to look for the light to end all misery, I find myself still wandering around in the dark. Recently, I find myself wanting to stay in bed most of the time. I don't want to face the world. My family. my friends. Why should I? They don't understand. They can't understand. They won't understand. If just for a moment, I could feel a shred of happiness, I would wrap it up and put it in my pocket. I would hope that it would never leave. But i'm not that fortunate. I've compiled a new list of confessions. A list of feelings, so I can try to piece them together. Try to make sense of my life.

I confess that I need to go to counseling

I confess that I need to stop drinking

I confess that I don't want to face another day

I confess that I miss my dad dearly

I confess that I feel very guilty about how I was when i was younger, and how much more time I could of shared of with him

I confess that when I was taking a bath, I wanted to sink into the tub, cover my head in water, close my eyes, and never come back up

I confess that its nice to be alone

I confess that its nice to not have to smile and look pleased

I confess that I find it a depressing just to look out the window at the whirling snow

I confess that when i've cried in the recent days, i've only let a few tears escape. I haven't been in the mood to go on a crying jag

I confess that I'm upset and disappointed with my mom

I confess that my little brother deserves better

I confess that I don't want help

I confess that I scare myself

I confess that I want nothing more than to be happy

I confess that I'm scared of my future

I confess that I want to go back to school

I confess that I'm tired more often than ever

I confess that sickness has gotten the best of me, and i'm ill most of the time

I confess that I feel unpretty

I confess that even my silhouette isn't good enough for me

I confess that I'm less of a person than i was a few years back