“There are seeds of self-destruction in all of us that will bear only unhappiness if allowed to grow.” -Dorothea Brande
As always, I've managed to break another promise. Shame and guilt have made way through my veins and into my heart. But despite these feelings, I can't help but push away the desire to change. I thought that I could change who I was. Well, a piece of who I was, rather, and I'm quickly learning that that is just not possible. What exactly is a person to do when mirrors play tricks and food taunts? When clothes strangle and strangers silently laugh? It is not a game; Not a cry for attention; But a beast. A beast that resides inside me. And when I'm most vulnerable... BAM! He strikes. Slowly stripping away flesh, piece by piece, skipped meal by skipped meal. Leaving a walking, breathing, talking, skeletal shell. A hollow impression of a woman that once saw daylight, but has been banished to darkness. A dark, lonely, road of self destruction. For what? Nothing. Nothing but an empty plate and a struggle.
Friday, June 05, 2009
“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.” - Chamfort
Sitting in silence for the past two hours, has done nothing but allow my mind to wander the deepest depths of my heart. Releasing emotions, feelings, memories, hopes, dreams, wishes, fears, despairs, and realities. To most, deep contemplation is a welcomed state; but for me, it's dreaded.
Over the past year, my life has taken a whirlwind move into chaos. I met someone who means the world to me, I embarked on a journey that I'd never imagined I'd make, I gave birth to the most amazing little boy, and I got the job of my dreams. Yet, it's all so minuscule. In retrospect, none of it changes how I feel. When looking at it on a small scale, without dissecting each event, it's all so perfect. But once it's cut into; when you're staring into the gaping hole of life, it's a complete mess.
Growing up, I knew that I didn't want to spend my life here. Forever trapped in rural Northern Colorado, among the ignorant and greedy. No. I was born to be free. Living among artists and dreamers, surrounded by diversity, in a world that is so fast paced, you only realize how quickly you're moving, when you lie your head down at night and try to recap your life. Tonight, stuck in a place I thought I'd never want to look back on, I realized why I so desperately wanted to let this part of my life go. Leave it here for the old and the heartless. When i chose to move back here and leave a place I loved, I thought I was making a rational, informed decision. When in actuality, it was a decision based upon fear and lack of self drive.
Last summer, I moved away. Three hundred miles of new life. It was amazing, to say the least. I had new friends, a new job, a new environment. Nothing was holding me back from what I wanted and where I wanted to be, like the restraints of home had held me back in the past, for so many years. I spent three wonderful months in bliss. Enjoying the life I'd finally found. The life, though not quite what I'd imagined, I knew that I wanted.
In mid-July, everything came to a screeching halt when two little lines appeared on the stick of doom. At that instant, my whole world came crashing down. Everything was ruined in one split second. I managed to avoid telling anybody, except one very special person, about my new found ailment. Both him and I knew that telling everyone would only lead to heartache and disappointment. We discussed options, and decided that we would take care of it before anybody found out our little [very big] secret. By the end of August, my body had already decided to try and give everything away. Our lives became a game of cat and mouse. I was in hiding from everyone; My family, his family, my best friends. Things were not going to be the same.
Sometime in late October, shortly after my birthday, I hit a breaking point. With nothing to look forward too but misery, I left work, packed up my car, and bid a special someone goodbye. As I drove out of town, I watched my life fade away into the horizon. A horizon of fading dreams, false hope, and broken lives. Tears rolled down my cheeks the entire ride home, as the reality of things finally set in.
When I got "home", I realized that I had nothing to come back too. My friends had moved on, my family was fantastic without me, and I had no place of my own to stay. I rented a tiny apartment for Quinn and I, and waited. Alone.
Partway through November, a bus brought an amazing person to me. He moved in, and though things were sketchy, it was perfect in my eyes. However, once Christmas time rolled around, I watched him board a plane and fly off into my horizon of broken dreams, without me. Days turned into weeks, and the pain of being alone continued to bear down on me. Finally, one very cold December morning, I hopped in my car and started driving West. Pushing on through a heavy, blinding blizzard, I made way towards him. When we were together again, it was bliss. Even my beautiful little mini me had the time of her life. But of course, like most good things, it eventually had to end, and I had to return home.
A few weeks passed, and January had delivered a lonely four days of winter. I anxiously drudged down to my car, filled with joy over getting him from the airport. I opened my car door, slipped in, and started up the car. That's when I noticed my stereo faceplate, broken and missing, and the contents of my glove box strewn across the seats and floor. I HATE GREELEY. With one big slam on my steering wheel, I drove to the airport. The day was amazing. It was 12 hours of happiness.
Months trudged by and days slipped away. Life became one endless set of hours. It was the same thing over and over for us. We both spent weeks on end searching for jobs. Hoping that something worthwhile would turn up. But, to no avail.
In March, an amazing phone call turned our outlook on the future around. A job offer! Of course it wasn't for me, but a job offer none the less! Following that offer, a second off came in. He took the first offer, as it paid a dollar more, and had far more desirable hours.We celebrated together.
Shortly before his new job were to start, we were crushed again when the car died. Weeks went by without a sign of hope in fixing the vehicle.
Early March hit hard. With him at his new job, and myself at home, I was lonely. Bored and lonely. It was only a matter of weeks, though, that he would be working from home. The first few shifts were difficult, as the car was still not working. Desperate to get it fixed, we ended up taking drastic measures, and letting a friend pay to get it fixed.
Somewhere in the midst of getting the car fixed, his new job, and incessant money issues, our son was born. I thought for sure, that his birth would make me a little bit happier. Boy, was I wrong.
Ever since the moment I laid eyes on my little boy, things have been downhill emotionally for me. Spiraling downward, a little darker with each passing day. I love my son. There's no question about that. But with every whimper, whine, and cry, I find myself wishing things that should never even cross my mind.
Finally, a few weeks after his birth, I managed to pick up the job of my dreams. Assistant Director of Aiming Highest Performing Arts Centre. I was more than excited. For a month, I worked my butt off, preparing her center for summer classes. But, as always, disappointment set in. A month and a half passed, and I'd yet to be paid. To this day, I'm still lacking in a pay check. It's nothing but excuse after pathetic excuse.
Ontop of that, money and emotions are causing a great deal of stress on my relationship. Motivation is hard to come by these days, and my opinion of myself is forever diminishing.
After rolling the events of the last twelve months around in my head for three solid hours, I've come to realize that my life is a continual descent downwards; Only made worse by my poor choices and poor planning. When compared to the events currently in my life, I can honestly say that things are not improving. In fact, they're getting worse. As soon as something promising leaps out at me, it removes its mask and pushes me down.
If it wasn't for a bold step west, I'd have never have had the experiences that lie on my shoulders now. While I admit that they may not be the greatest steps I've taken, I've made leaps and bounds to make them work; to succeed, and move on. If only half of those leaps and bounds left footprints. Then, maybe then, I'd be able to be happy.
Sitting in silence for the past two hours, has done nothing but allow my mind to wander the deepest depths of my heart. Releasing emotions, feelings, memories, hopes, dreams, wishes, fears, despairs, and realities. To most, deep contemplation is a welcomed state; but for me, it's dreaded.
Over the past year, my life has taken a whirlwind move into chaos. I met someone who means the world to me, I embarked on a journey that I'd never imagined I'd make, I gave birth to the most amazing little boy, and I got the job of my dreams. Yet, it's all so minuscule. In retrospect, none of it changes how I feel. When looking at it on a small scale, without dissecting each event, it's all so perfect. But once it's cut into; when you're staring into the gaping hole of life, it's a complete mess.
Growing up, I knew that I didn't want to spend my life here. Forever trapped in rural Northern Colorado, among the ignorant and greedy. No. I was born to be free. Living among artists and dreamers, surrounded by diversity, in a world that is so fast paced, you only realize how quickly you're moving, when you lie your head down at night and try to recap your life. Tonight, stuck in a place I thought I'd never want to look back on, I realized why I so desperately wanted to let this part of my life go. Leave it here for the old and the heartless. When i chose to move back here and leave a place I loved, I thought I was making a rational, informed decision. When in actuality, it was a decision based upon fear and lack of self drive.
Last summer, I moved away. Three hundred miles of new life. It was amazing, to say the least. I had new friends, a new job, a new environment. Nothing was holding me back from what I wanted and where I wanted to be, like the restraints of home had held me back in the past, for so many years. I spent three wonderful months in bliss. Enjoying the life I'd finally found. The life, though not quite what I'd imagined, I knew that I wanted.
In mid-July, everything came to a screeching halt when two little lines appeared on the stick of doom. At that instant, my whole world came crashing down. Everything was ruined in one split second. I managed to avoid telling anybody, except one very special person, about my new found ailment. Both him and I knew that telling everyone would only lead to heartache and disappointment. We discussed options, and decided that we would take care of it before anybody found out our little [very big] secret. By the end of August, my body had already decided to try and give everything away. Our lives became a game of cat and mouse. I was in hiding from everyone; My family, his family, my best friends. Things were not going to be the same.
Sometime in late October, shortly after my birthday, I hit a breaking point. With nothing to look forward too but misery, I left work, packed up my car, and bid a special someone goodbye. As I drove out of town, I watched my life fade away into the horizon. A horizon of fading dreams, false hope, and broken lives. Tears rolled down my cheeks the entire ride home, as the reality of things finally set in.
When I got "home", I realized that I had nothing to come back too. My friends had moved on, my family was fantastic without me, and I had no place of my own to stay. I rented a tiny apartment for Quinn and I, and waited. Alone.
Partway through November, a bus brought an amazing person to me. He moved in, and though things were sketchy, it was perfect in my eyes. However, once Christmas time rolled around, I watched him board a plane and fly off into my horizon of broken dreams, without me. Days turned into weeks, and the pain of being alone continued to bear down on me. Finally, one very cold December morning, I hopped in my car and started driving West. Pushing on through a heavy, blinding blizzard, I made way towards him. When we were together again, it was bliss. Even my beautiful little mini me had the time of her life. But of course, like most good things, it eventually had to end, and I had to return home.
A few weeks passed, and January had delivered a lonely four days of winter. I anxiously drudged down to my car, filled with joy over getting him from the airport. I opened my car door, slipped in, and started up the car. That's when I noticed my stereo faceplate, broken and missing, and the contents of my glove box strewn across the seats and floor. I HATE GREELEY. With one big slam on my steering wheel, I drove to the airport. The day was amazing. It was 12 hours of happiness.
Months trudged by and days slipped away. Life became one endless set of hours. It was the same thing over and over for us. We both spent weeks on end searching for jobs. Hoping that something worthwhile would turn up. But, to no avail.
In March, an amazing phone call turned our outlook on the future around. A job offer! Of course it wasn't for me, but a job offer none the less! Following that offer, a second off came in. He took the first offer, as it paid a dollar more, and had far more desirable hours.We celebrated together.
Shortly before his new job were to start, we were crushed again when the car died. Weeks went by without a sign of hope in fixing the vehicle.
Early March hit hard. With him at his new job, and myself at home, I was lonely. Bored and lonely. It was only a matter of weeks, though, that he would be working from home. The first few shifts were difficult, as the car was still not working. Desperate to get it fixed, we ended up taking drastic measures, and letting a friend pay to get it fixed.
Somewhere in the midst of getting the car fixed, his new job, and incessant money issues, our son was born. I thought for sure, that his birth would make me a little bit happier. Boy, was I wrong.
Ever since the moment I laid eyes on my little boy, things have been downhill emotionally for me. Spiraling downward, a little darker with each passing day. I love my son. There's no question about that. But with every whimper, whine, and cry, I find myself wishing things that should never even cross my mind.
Finally, a few weeks after his birth, I managed to pick up the job of my dreams. Assistant Director of Aiming Highest Performing Arts Centre. I was more than excited. For a month, I worked my butt off, preparing her center for summer classes. But, as always, disappointment set in. A month and a half passed, and I'd yet to be paid. To this day, I'm still lacking in a pay check. It's nothing but excuse after pathetic excuse.
Ontop of that, money and emotions are causing a great deal of stress on my relationship. Motivation is hard to come by these days, and my opinion of myself is forever diminishing.
After rolling the events of the last twelve months around in my head for three solid hours, I've come to realize that my life is a continual descent downwards; Only made worse by my poor choices and poor planning. When compared to the events currently in my life, I can honestly say that things are not improving. In fact, they're getting worse. As soon as something promising leaps out at me, it removes its mask and pushes me down.
If it wasn't for a bold step west, I'd have never have had the experiences that lie on my shoulders now. While I admit that they may not be the greatest steps I've taken, I've made leaps and bounds to make them work; to succeed, and move on. If only half of those leaps and bounds left footprints. Then, maybe then, I'd be able to be happy.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
"When mistrust comes in, love goes out." -Irish Proverbb
Straight answers seem to be something that I haven't been able to find, recently. It was getting to the point where I was losing the little bit of patience I had left; the small thread that was binding me to thoughts of a better future, was the same thread that was pulling me into an abyss of loneliness and driving me to a point of insanity. Tonight, however, I was drawn to my senses, and inclined to finally give my mind a rest, no matter how short that rest may be. The outcome of my choice tonight, filled me with nothing but appreciation for a close friend and the ability to finally say what I have been holding back for so long. I was given the confirmation of my worst fears and my suspicions were laid to rest. The things a person can learn from simply asking is astounding.
Though my answers were found, I'm still stuck in a state of limbo. The lies that I've been handed within the past few months, are almost unbearable. It's one thing to do wrong, but to lie about the wrong doing, is far worse. I'm not perfect, nor have I always made the right choices, but when asked about them, I at least have had the decency to tell the truth. I'm smarter than I was given credit for. I've felt like I've read the plot summary to a play I'm not fond of, and now, I'm being forced to sit through the entire show. I already know what's going on, there's no point in staying for the second act.
On a final note, I've come to realize who my true friends are, these past few months; And, consequently, I'm left feeling more alone than ever. But rest assured, those that are left standing by my side, are more than appreciated, and will forever have me here, no matter the reason I am needed.
Straight answers seem to be something that I haven't been able to find, recently. It was getting to the point where I was losing the little bit of patience I had left; the small thread that was binding me to thoughts of a better future, was the same thread that was pulling me into an abyss of loneliness and driving me to a point of insanity. Tonight, however, I was drawn to my senses, and inclined to finally give my mind a rest, no matter how short that rest may be. The outcome of my choice tonight, filled me with nothing but appreciation for a close friend and the ability to finally say what I have been holding back for so long. I was given the confirmation of my worst fears and my suspicions were laid to rest. The things a person can learn from simply asking is astounding.
Though my answers were found, I'm still stuck in a state of limbo. The lies that I've been handed within the past few months, are almost unbearable. It's one thing to do wrong, but to lie about the wrong doing, is far worse. I'm not perfect, nor have I always made the right choices, but when asked about them, I at least have had the decency to tell the truth. I'm smarter than I was given credit for. I've felt like I've read the plot summary to a play I'm not fond of, and now, I'm being forced to sit through the entire show. I already know what's going on, there's no point in staying for the second act.
On a final note, I've come to realize who my true friends are, these past few months; And, consequently, I'm left feeling more alone than ever. But rest assured, those that are left standing by my side, are more than appreciated, and will forever have me here, no matter the reason I am needed.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
“I want to be very close to someone I respect and admire and have somebody who feels the same way about me.” -Richard Bach
This was originally a bulletin I read on myspace, posted by my twelve year old niece. I was very surprised after reading this, just how true most of this list is.
*When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
*When she stares at your lips, Kiss her.
*When she pushes you or hits you, Grab her and don’t let go.
*When she starts cursing at you, Kiss her and tell her you love her.
*When she's quiet, ask her what’s wrong.
*When she ignores you, Give her your attention.
*When she pulls away, pull her back.
*When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful.
*When you see her start crying, just hold her and don’t say a word.
*When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
*When she's scared, protect her.
*When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
*When she steals your favorite hat, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
*When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
*When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is alright.
*When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the TRUTH.
*When she says that she likes you, she means it in a way that goes far beyond anything you could understand.
*When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
*When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
*When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
*When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
*When she misses you, she's hurting inside.
*When you break her heart, the pain NEVER really goes away.
*When she says its over, she STILL wants you to be hers.
*When she repost this bulletin, she wants you to read it.
*Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
*Don't let her have the last word.
*Never call her hot. Pretty and beautiful are so much better.
*Tell her that you love her more than she could ever love youl
*Argue that she is the best girl ever
*When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
*When she says she's 'fine' don’t believe it, talk with her.
*Wake her up at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
*Kiss her before you sleep and after you wake up.
*Treat her like she's all that matters.
*Tease her and let her tease you back.
*Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
*Watch her favorite movie with her, even if you think it's stupid.
*Give her the world.
*Let her wear your clothes.
*When she's bored, hang out with her
*Let her know she's important
*Kiss her in the pouring rain
*When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you should say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
This was originally a bulletin I read on myspace, posted by my twelve year old niece. I was very surprised after reading this, just how true most of this list is.
*When she walks away from you mad, follow her.
*When she stares at your lips, Kiss her.
*When she pushes you or hits you, Grab her and don’t let go.
*When she starts cursing at you, Kiss her and tell her you love her.
*When she's quiet, ask her what’s wrong.
*When she ignores you, Give her your attention.
*When she pulls away, pull her back.
*When you see her at her worst, tell her she's beautiful.
*When you see her start crying, just hold her and don’t say a word.
*When you see her walking, sneak up and hug her waist from behind.
*When she's scared, protect her.
*When she lays her head on your shoulder, tilt her head up and kiss her.
*When she steals your favorite hat, let her keep it and sleep with it for a night.
*When she teases you, tease her back and make her laugh.
*When she doesn’t answer for a long time, reassure her that everything is alright.
*When she looks at you with doubt, back yourself up with the TRUTH.
*When she says that she likes you, she means it in a way that goes far beyond anything you could understand.
*When she grabs at your hands, hold hers and play with her fingers.
*When she bumps into you, bump into her back and make her laugh.
*When she tells you a secret, keep it safe and untold.
*When she looks at you in your eyes, don’t look away until she does.
*When she misses you, she's hurting inside.
*When you break her heart, the pain NEVER really goes away.
*When she says its over, she STILL wants you to be hers.
*When she repost this bulletin, she wants you to read it.
*Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything.
*Don't let her have the last word.
*Never call her hot. Pretty and beautiful are so much better.
*Tell her that you love her more than she could ever love youl
*Argue that she is the best girl ever
*When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
*When she says she's 'fine' don’t believe it, talk with her.
*Wake her up at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
*Kiss her before you sleep and after you wake up.
*Treat her like she's all that matters.
*Tease her and let her tease you back.
*Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
*Watch her favorite movie with her, even if you think it's stupid.
*Give her the world.
*Let her wear your clothes.
*When she's bored, hang out with her
*Let her know she's important
*Kiss her in the pouring rain
*When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you should say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"
Friday, June 06, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” - Buddha
After roughly translating my dream, I've come to realize what my dream was telling me. Subconsciously, I'm trying to make a favorable impression on a certain individual. While raising my awareness to this, my dream was also trying to tell me that my needs and desires are starting to be fulfilled, and a new sense of freedom, where I have previously felt limited and restricted, is coming into play. Responsibilities that I've felt have been burdening me, are being thrown to the wind, which in turn, is allowing me to see what develops of a current situation. Also, aspects of my personality which I've rejected, are ready to be integrated into my life, so I can rid myself of a strong emotional and physical burden. I'm on a life journey, in which my mind feels, will help me to gain financially and reinforce old ways of thinking, with a new take on matters.
I'm quite convinced now, that moving to Grand Junction was the first step to a new, happier, life. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and gain confidence in my life, and the choices I make. I see opportunity where I once only saw a dead end, and it's a comforting thought. I see now, after only a week and a half, that I am going to be able to start saving money, and paying off my debt. The burdens of money and responsibility are starting to lift off my shoulders, as I can see a way, now, to get everything paid off. As a person, I have not changed, but for the better. I'm starting to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've previously given myself credit for. I'm stronger than I've always believed, and most of all, I have no reason to lack confidence. All in all, I've only come to find that I have a drive I didn't know existed, and I truly hope that I continue on this path of what seems to be, success.
I was walking around a mall with 2 friends, and I lost a shopping bag of items. While hunting for the shopping bag, the mall closed, and we were left standing, alone, in the dark. We started contemplating what to do, and decided to fly to Europe for a backpacking adventure. We hopped on the plane, but ended up in Singapore instead. Not the bustling metropolis of Singapore, but a very poor, desolate part. [Not sure if that even really exists.] Turns out, we hopped a missionary plane on accident, and had no money to get back. Then, I woke up.
After roughly translating my dream, I've come to realize what my dream was telling me. Subconsciously, I'm trying to make a favorable impression on a certain individual. While raising my awareness to this, my dream was also trying to tell me that my needs and desires are starting to be fulfilled, and a new sense of freedom, where I have previously felt limited and restricted, is coming into play. Responsibilities that I've felt have been burdening me, are being thrown to the wind, which in turn, is allowing me to see what develops of a current situation. Also, aspects of my personality which I've rejected, are ready to be integrated into my life, so I can rid myself of a strong emotional and physical burden. I'm on a life journey, in which my mind feels, will help me to gain financially and reinforce old ways of thinking, with a new take on matters.
I'm quite convinced now, that moving to Grand Junction was the first step to a new, happier, life. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and gain confidence in my life, and the choices I make. I see opportunity where I once only saw a dead end, and it's a comforting thought. I see now, after only a week and a half, that I am going to be able to start saving money, and paying off my debt. The burdens of money and responsibility are starting to lift off my shoulders, as I can see a way, now, to get everything paid off. As a person, I have not changed, but for the better. I'm starting to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've previously given myself credit for. I'm stronger than I've always believed, and most of all, I have no reason to lack confidence. All in all, I've only come to find that I have a drive I didn't know existed, and I truly hope that I continue on this path of what seems to be, success.
Friday, April 11, 2008
"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.” - H. Jackson Brown Jr.
To be fair. What exactly is the art of fairness? What makes something fair; unfair? How is one supposed to grasp the concept of what it means to be fair, when this world is full of only unfair and unjust things? Fairness, is in itself, free from bias, dishonesty, and injustice. It should be legitimately sought and pursued. I've learned, in my very short lifetime, that nothing in this world comes easy, and most everything certainly isn't fair. But, isn't a person entitled to an adequate explanation, when a decision is made, yet left unknown to the affected party? It's instances of inequity, that could be laid to rest by a simple explanation, that rip apart friendships and ruin relationships. And it's within these instances, that a damper is put upon the current state of humanity. I hope that, with time, our generation can adhere to general morals and principles, and keep a sense of integrity. This is our world; Why taint it with hate, dishonesty, and unfairness?
To be fair. What exactly is the art of fairness? What makes something fair; unfair? How is one supposed to grasp the concept of what it means to be fair, when this world is full of only unfair and unjust things? Fairness, is in itself, free from bias, dishonesty, and injustice. It should be legitimately sought and pursued. I've learned, in my very short lifetime, that nothing in this world comes easy, and most everything certainly isn't fair. But, isn't a person entitled to an adequate explanation, when a decision is made, yet left unknown to the affected party? It's instances of inequity, that could be laid to rest by a simple explanation, that rip apart friendships and ruin relationships. And it's within these instances, that a damper is put upon the current state of humanity. I hope that, with time, our generation can adhere to general morals and principles, and keep a sense of integrity. This is our world; Why taint it with hate, dishonesty, and unfairness?
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