“Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.” - Chamfort

Sitting in silence for the past two hours, has done nothing but allow my mind to wander the deepest depths of my heart. Releasing emotions, feelings, memories, hopes, dreams, wishes, fears, despairs, and realities. To most, deep contemplation is a welcomed state; but for me, it's dreaded.

Over the past year, my life has taken a whirlwind move into chaos. I met someone who means the world to me, I embarked on a journey that I'd never imagined I'd make, I gave birth to the most amazing little boy, and I got the job of my dreams. Yet, it's all so minuscule. In retrospect, none of it changes how I feel. When looking at it on a small scale, without dissecting each event, it's all so perfect. But once it's cut into; when you're staring into the gaping hole of life, it's a complete mess.

Growing up, I knew that I didn't want to spend my life here. Forever trapped in rural Northern Colorado, among the ignorant and greedy. No. I was born to be free. Living among artists and dreamers, surrounded by diversity, in a world that is so fast paced, you only realize how quickly you're moving, when you lie your head down at night and try to recap your life. Tonight, stuck in a place I thought I'd never want to look back on, I realized why I so desperately wanted to let this part of my life go. Leave it here for the old and the heartless. When i chose to move back here and leave a place I loved, I thought I was making a rational, informed decision. When in actuality, it was a decision based upon fear and lack of self drive.

Last summer, I moved away. Three hundred miles of new life. It was amazing, to say the least. I had new friends, a new job, a new environment. Nothing was holding me back from what I wanted and where I wanted to be, like the restraints of home had held me back in the past, for so many years. I spent three wonderful months in bliss. Enjoying the life I'd finally found. The life, though not quite what I'd imagined, I knew that I wanted.

In mid-July, everything came to a screeching halt when two little lines appeared on the stick of doom. At that instant, my whole world came crashing down. Everything was ruined in one split second. I managed to avoid telling anybody, except one very special person, about my new found ailment. Both him and I knew that telling everyone would only lead to heartache and disappointment. We discussed options, and decided that we would take care of it before anybody found out our little [very big] secret. By the end of August, my body had already decided to try and give everything away. Our lives became a game of cat and mouse. I was in hiding from everyone; My family, his family, my best friends. Things were not going to be the same.

Sometime in late October, shortly after my birthday, I hit a breaking point. With nothing to look forward too but misery, I left work, packed up my car, and bid a special someone goodbye. As I drove out of town, I watched my life fade away into the horizon. A horizon of fading dreams, false hope, and broken lives. Tears rolled down my cheeks the entire ride home, as the reality of things finally set in.

When I got "home", I realized that I had nothing to come back too. My friends had moved on, my family was fantastic without me, and I had no place of my own to stay. I rented a tiny apartment for Quinn and I, and waited. Alone.

Partway through November, a bus brought an amazing person to me. He moved in, and though things were sketchy, it was perfect in my eyes. However, once Christmas time rolled around, I watched him board a plane and fly off into my horizon of broken dreams, without me. Days turned into weeks, and the pain of being alone continued to bear down on me. Finally, one very cold December morning, I hopped in my car and started driving West. Pushing on through a heavy, blinding blizzard, I made way towards him. When we were together again, it was bliss. Even my beautiful little mini me had the time of her life. But of course, like most good things, it eventually had to end, and I had to return home.

A few weeks passed, and January had delivered a lonely four days of winter. I anxiously drudged down to my car, filled with joy over getting him from the airport. I opened my car door, slipped in, and started up the car. That's when I noticed my stereo faceplate, broken and missing, and the contents of my glove box strewn across the seats and floor. I HATE GREELEY. With one big slam on my steering wheel, I drove to the airport. The day was amazing. It was 12 hours of happiness.

Months trudged by and days slipped away. Life became one endless set of hours. It was the same thing over and over for us. We both spent weeks on end searching for jobs. Hoping that something worthwhile would turn up. But, to no avail.

In March, an amazing phone call turned our outlook on the future around. A job offer! Of course it wasn't for me, but a job offer none the less! Following that offer, a second off came in. He took the first offer, as it paid a dollar more, and had far more desirable hours.We celebrated together.

Shortly before his new job were to start, we were crushed again when the car died. Weeks went by without a sign of hope in fixing the vehicle.

Early March hit hard. With him at his new job, and myself at home, I was lonely. Bored and lonely. It was only a matter of weeks, though, that he would be working from home. The first few shifts were difficult, as the car was still not working. Desperate to get it fixed, we ended up taking drastic measures, and letting a friend pay to get it fixed.

Somewhere in the midst of getting the car fixed, his new job, and incessant money issues, our son was born. I thought for sure, that his birth would make me a little bit happier. Boy, was I wrong.

Ever since the moment I laid eyes on my little boy, things have been downhill emotionally for me. Spiraling downward, a little darker with each passing day. I love my son. There's no question about that. But with every whimper, whine, and cry, I find myself wishing things that should never even cross my mind.

Finally, a few weeks after his birth, I managed to pick up the job of my dreams. Assistant Director of Aiming Highest Performing Arts Centre. I was more than excited. For a month, I worked my butt off, preparing her center for summer classes. But, as always, disappointment set in. A month and a half passed, and I'd yet to be paid. To this day, I'm still lacking in a pay check. It's nothing but excuse after pathetic excuse.

Ontop of that, money and emotions are causing a great deal of stress on my relationship. Motivation is hard to come by these days, and my opinion of myself is forever diminishing.

After rolling the events of the last twelve months around in my head for three solid hours, I've come to realize that my life is a continual descent downwards; Only made worse by my poor choices and poor planning. When compared to the events currently in my life, I can honestly say that things are not improving. In fact, they're getting worse. As soon as something promising leaps out at me, it removes its mask and pushes me down.

If it wasn't for a bold step west, I'd have never have had the experiences that lie on my shoulders now. While I admit that they may not be the greatest steps I've taken, I've made leaps and bounds to make them work; to succeed, and move on. If only half of those leaps and bounds left footprints. Then, maybe then, I'd be able to be happy.