“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.” -Oscar Wilde

I think its time I tell the truth...

Lately, it seems, that things have been going downhill, and fast. I feel like my life has spiralled out of its normal rotation, and I no longer have control over it. I've faced so much in the past year, even past month, i'm not sure how much more I can take.

I feel as if I am lost. Cut off from the world I once knew. People no longer understand. They no longer can relate. I've began to distance myself from everything I love and care about. I'm slipping farther and farther away from the girl I used to be. I'm losing touch.

Two years ago, i'd of told you that things were wonderful. I had everything I could of wanted. I had a loving boyfriend. A beautiful little girl on the way, an apartment all of our own, a stable job, and the greatest friends anyone could ask for.

But as time passed, I started to notice little changes. Changes in me, my friends, ked, just the world in general. My dreams began to fade. I started losing touch with who I really was. Everything i'd wanted out of life, started slowly slipping away, just fast enough for me to not be able to catch them.

I started telling myself that everything was ok. That everyone has trouble right after having a baby. I managed to talk myself into believing it. I started feeling better, not only about my life, but about myself.

Sometime in early 2006, I came to realize the truth about my life. I got a phone call from a gal I hardly knew. She explained to me that Ked had been unfaithful. I began to feel sick. Disappointed. And overwhelmingly sad. I felt my heart come up into my throat, and my stomach twist. I wrote a letter and packed up Quinn. I had to leave. I couldn't stand to think that the man who was supposed to love me, the man whos child I bore, could do something like that to me. I started to fall into a state depression. I lost my self worth. And along with that, I lost my hope for a happy future.

Ked woke up before I left the house. He read the letter, and attempted to talk to me. I couldnt bear to look him in the eyes. It hurt. After a few hours of talking and crying, I told him that I was tired of him saying I love you. I needed him to prove to me that he cared. He pulled me into a very tight embrace and proposed. I said yes.

Months went by. I still felt depressed. I felt unpretty, imperfect, and unwanted. I started thinking thoughts like "if only I were prettier, he'd love me more." and "if I were skinnier, he'd love me like he should". As the clock ticked and hours turned into days, an old habit I fought through high school started to resurface. I started skipping meals. Chewing food, but not swallowing and just spitting it out later.

I had it under control. I could stop if I had too, and eat an entire plate. But as time went by, my control started to slip through my fingers. I started feeling guilty for eating. So i'd purge if I ate too much. When it started, i'd only purge if I felt overly full. Then it slowly morphed into me purging everytime I ate because I just couldn't stand the feeling of being full. The guilty feeling the food would give me.

Now, I have lost my grip. Its a terrible cycle. I can't stand to even gain a pound. Anything to save me from the fate of being fat and ugly. Laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, binging and purging, fasting. If its within my reach, it gets put to use. I'm fading fast. I'm scared, tired of lying, covering up my own tracks, and hiding. I've fallen so hard that I can't get back up.

When I started losing control, I started feeling worthless. I still felt betrayed. But I hid it. Pretended that the feeling didn't exist. Ked had proposed. He really loves me right? But, no matter how much I told myself that, I just couldn't get over the hurt, betrayed feeling he'd left me with. As my wedding drew near, I started feeling trapped. I had dreams. I couldn't be married. I wanted to go places. Do things. Things I knew Ked wasn't interested in. I wanted to back out. Call it all off. But I couldn't. I couldn't stand the thought of disappointing my family. Being a failure my whole life made me scared to disgrace my family more than I already had.

About a week before the wedding, I started to get excited. Papa was going to live to see his youngest daughter get married, and to have the opportunity to give her away. I love keddy. very much. But I still didn't want to get married. But I wanted Papa there. And I knew thats what my family wanted. I wanted him to witness that special day.

Now, I sit here. Thinking about everything that has gone on in the past two years, and I wish that I could just run away. Escape my marriage, eat healthy, live in a place far far away from here, and just be myself. But My problems have consumed my soul. Made it impossible to live a normal life. I'm stuck in a hole with no ladder to climb. I cry silently, hoping someone will see the red flag. But no one does. No one does.