“It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life” -Irish proverb

I'm really starting to realize the severity of things. Tonight a very good friend of mine said something that scared me terribly.

Ash, I'm so worried about you. some day soon you're not going to be satisfied with not having control over your life... and you'll stop making excuses. you're getting closer and closer all the time. On the flip side... you're getting worse when you're having your down days and i'm really worried that you are going to end up in the hospital or dead before you seek out help. Please, Ash, please tell someone. Theres only so much I can do. I support you, forever, but i'm really scared.

After this incident, my mom lectured me about diet pills. And made a comment about how I have lost alot of weight. I can't keep hiding. I'm so scared. I feel so tired and weak all the time. But I can't just stop.

This whole thing is a vicious cycle. Eating away at me every minute of everyday. I feel guilty about not eating, so I eat. Then I feel guilty about eating, so I purge. Then I feel guilty about purging, so I eat. I just can't be satisfied. I reach a goal, but its never enough. I make a new goal. I tell myself, once i reach this goal, i'm done. But I can't stop.

I'm giving in. I have to tell someone. But, i'm terrified. I feel like such a coward. Maybe somehow i'll manage.