“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” -Unknown
Two nights ago, I made the decision to show my mom my blog. As those of you reading know, this little un-noticed page, among millions of un-noticed pages on the net, contains deep thoughts and dark secrets. My mom read everything. She in turn had me show my step dad and explain things to my little sister.
Last night, I told my grandmother what has been going on. She was acting really supportive all night.
Today, I went to work and ate breakfast. I had a piece of toast and some hashbrowns. I couldnt keep it down. It was too greasy. I tried really hard, but I just couldn't do it. Then, for lunch at work, I had a turkey sandwich and french onion soup with the other servers. My stomach couldnt take all of it, and I ended up purging as soon as I got home. I tried to cover my tracks. Music and a shower. But, my grandma caught on and lectured me before I even got out of the bathroom. After a 2 hours lecture about being stupid, she took me to town.
We went out to dinner at QDoba. She made me eat my entire meal. By the time we got to the store, my stomach hurt so bad I could hardly stand it. I tried to stow away to the bathroom, but she followed close behind. So, while in the stall, I popped a few laxatives.
I am really starting to regret telling anyone. I feel like I have less control than I did before. I am really starting to think that I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. My family is pushing me too hard, too fast. They expect me to be able to just eat and not purge, or take something. They expect me to be able to just stop. *sigh* i'm so scared. I think a bigger part of me wants to stay this way. I'm honestly terrified to even try to recover. But I suppose its baby steps. One day at a time. I've gotten through telling. Only can get easier, right?
2 comments:
Aw Ash..
I've only read the first two entries (because I just woke up and went who the hell is this on my facebook ^_~) But what I'm picking up, you can't eat huge meals after not eating anything. Start with just eating pieces of fruit, or a half sandwich or something. You stomach shrinks when you don't eat and it cannot take an entire Qdoba burrito, I'm amazed anyone's can really. Baby steps like you said, but do it healthy, eat healthy! Fruits, veggies, whole grains. If you can try eating as little processed food as you can, like frozen stuff.
*hug*
Sweetie I can completely understand what's going on for you right now. I told my parents and then kicked myself for doing it, because allll summer they were on my back about it. If you need some help coping with it, let me know ok? I'm here for you, ALL the time, in sickness and health. :)
-Leora
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