"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” - Buddha

I was walking around a mall with 2 friends, and I lost a shopping bag of items. While hunting for the shopping bag, the mall closed, and we were left standing, alone, in the dark. We started contemplating what to do, and decided to fly to Europe for a backpacking adventure. We hopped on the plane, but ended up in Singapore instead. Not the bustling metropolis of Singapore, but a very poor, desolate part. [Not sure if that even really exists.] Turns out, we hopped a missionary plane on accident, and had no money to get back. Then, I woke up.

After roughly translating my dream, I've come to realize what my dream was telling me. Subconsciously, I'm trying to make a favorable impression on a certain individual. While raising my awareness to this, my dream was also trying to tell me that my needs and desires are starting to be fulfilled, and a new sense of freedom, where I have previously felt limited and restricted, is coming into play. Responsibilities that I've felt have been burdening me, are being thrown to the wind, which in turn, is allowing me to see what develops of a current situation. Also, aspects of my personality which I've rejected, are ready to be integrated into my life, so I can rid myself of a strong emotional and physical burden. I'm on a life journey, in which my mind feels, will help me to gain financially and reinforce old ways of thinking, with a new take on matters.

I'm quite convinced now, that moving to Grand Junction was the first step to a new, happier, life. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and gain confidence in my life, and the choices I make. I see opportunity where I once only saw a dead end, and it's a comforting thought. I see now, after only a week and a half, that I am going to be able to start saving money, and paying off my debt. The burdens of money and responsibility are starting to lift off my shoulders, as I can see a way, now, to get everything paid off. As a person, I have not changed, but for the better. I'm starting to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've previously given myself credit for. I'm stronger than I've always believed, and most of all, I have no reason to lack confidence. All in all, I've only come to find that I have a drive I didn't know existed, and I truly hope that I continue on this path of what seems to be, success.

"Live so that when your children think of fairness and integrity, they think of you.” - H. Jackson Brown Jr.

To be fair. What exactly is the art of fairness? What makes something fair; unfair? How is one supposed to grasp the concept of what it means to be fair, when this world is full of only unfair and unjust things? Fairness, is in itself, free from bias, dishonesty, and injustice. It should be legitimately sought and pursued. I've learned, in my very short lifetime, that nothing in this world comes easy, and most everything certainly isn't fair. But, isn't a person entitled to an adequate explanation, when a decision is made, yet left unknown to the affected party? It's instances of inequity, that could be laid to rest by a simple explanation, that rip apart friendships and ruin relationships. And it's within these instances, that a damper is put upon the current state of humanity. I hope that, with time, our generation can adhere to general morals and principles, and keep a sense of integrity. This is our world; Why taint it with hate, dishonesty, and unfairness?

"We dance for laughter, we dance for tears, we dance for madness, we dance for fears, we dance for hopes, we dance for screams, we are the dancers, we create the dreams.” - Unknown

Our emotional state of choice is Ecstasy. Our nourishment of choice is Love. Our addiction of choice is technology. Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none. Our society of choice is utopian though we know it will never be. You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence. We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children. We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself. We are The Massive. One Massive. We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring. We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it, we came to accept that we are all the same. We came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal. And somewhere around 35Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these very realizations that each of was truly born. We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night. Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in it's purest, most intense, most hedonistic form. In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us. We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackles and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind. We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born. Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that even tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels. Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands. Programming that tells us to close our minds, instead of open them. Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the distopian reality of the world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in: Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony, Expression, Responsibility and Respect. Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence. But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party. You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end. I am a raver, and this is my manifesto. We've been losing unity in the scene, and it seems so many people don't even know what they're there for. I wrote this knowing that if we can get this out to enough people and on enough sites, we can educate some people, and help bring back the unity we need to keep this scene at the amazing level it's at today. Spread this around.

"I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever." -- Amy Tan

A very close friend of mine sent this to me. It really doesn't make much sense to the normal English ear, but once translated, it is absolutely amazing. Not only does it have beautifully written instrumentals, but the lyrics are that of something that can not be surpassed. It is so full of genuine emotion, I was absolutely blown away.

Nick en Simon Kijk omhoog


After a long fall
You climb back up
Look at the time to come
What will it hold?
You don't know it either
Will you get all you wanted?
And your head is full of worries
Keeps your body in chains
There will always be a tomorrow
Even after the longest night
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
This road leads the way
It leads you to the future
This cloud is quickly floating by
Life shows you a turn
You can move on now
Feel the sun on your face
It's way past due
That you free yourself
See it in another light

And your head is full of worries
Keeps your body in chains
There will always be a tomorrow
Even after the longest night
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
Look up, at the sun
Don't look for an answer
Let it go, hold on to me
This road leads the way
It leads you to the future
This cloud is quickly floating by
Cause this cloud is quickly floating by
Cause this cloud is quickly floating by

"Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early." --Doug Stanhope

I wish i could be happy. With something. Anything. I can't handle my daughter. I can't handle raising my brother. I can't handle the never ending chain of pretending everything is alright all day long, only to end up locked in the bathroom, crying so hard i can't breathe, with the shower on to muffle my cries, making enemies with the toilette. I can't handle my family, my friends. I can't stay home all the time, yet, I can't handle the stress of going out. Theres no way out now. I have no alternative. No escape route or get out of jail free card. I'm stuck. I'm living in a hell that I've created for myself. And I can't stop the flames from burning my body. I want nothing more than to rage quit on my life right now. Stop things before they get even worse. I'm desperate. Scared. Tired. Done.

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to." --John Ed Pearce

Christmastime. A time of happiness, love, peace, and joy. A time, most often, spent with family, and surrounded by those we love. Among the sounds of laughter, piles of presents, inches and feet of snow, trees of lights, and plates of food, is a sense of home, comfort, and peace.

Last night, Christmas Eve, I felt a feeling of 'home' for the first time in my life. And I wanted nothing more than to stay there. I even asked, jokingly of course, if I could. I got the joking answer back of "Aww! Ash misses her mommy and wants to come home!". I couldn't ever admit it, but it was true. I did miss home. I still miss home. I miss having a sense of familiarity.

At the same time, I crave change. I want something different, bigger, better. I want to be far from here, and never having to look back. I long for days in the big city, away from the rural fields and cows. I want everything, home is not.

On a different note, I got everything I'd asked for this year. I got a coat, an outfit, a hat, and a calendar. I saw my whole family. I had time with my daughter, my brother, kim, everyone i could want to see. The food was great. The chats were awesome. Yet, I'm not happy. I'm quite opposite, to be frank. Misery doesn't even begin to describe it. I wish I knew what were wrong with me.

"The three words women most want to hear from a man are, "You lost weight" -Lori Gottlie

Someday I'll be beautiful. The pressure to be thin; pretty; sexy; will no longer apply to me. I'll be all three. I'll be the girl people look at and think, "WHOA! She looks phenomenal!" Confidence won't be foreign ground anymore. I'll be what I was prepped to be at such a young age.

After looking at some recent photographs of myself, I've decided that it is time for some serious dedication and commitment. I've gained two-pounds in the past 2 days. I know that 2-pounds sounds like such a small and trivial amount, but its not. As much as I wish I could, theres no way i'd ever be able to explain what runs through my head, or why such a small number could affect me so much. All i'm thinking right now is, how could that have possibly happened? HOW?!? I've let myself go. I've given into my urges to binge; yet not thought of the conesquences, nor the horrific number the scale would throw at me the next morning. I guess it's back to the hell of restriction....