"Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts." --Penelope Sweets


I'm scaring myself. A lot. I'm shaking I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. I can't kick this dark, numb, blankness that keeps me from focusing. I'm fucking depressed out of my mind.

I've eaten way too much today. I tried really hard not to purge, but I couldn't help it. I dislike purging, but at the same time, i like to do it. it makes me feel empty. I like running miles and miles and working out to exhaustion... it makes me feel like i've gotten rid of everything. My pain, misery, anguish.

I tried really hard to push away the urge to cut. But for some reason, I can't control myself. I let my razor touch my thigh. I let it slip into skin. But for the first time, I didn't feel control. I didn't feel calm. I felt scared.

Suicide seems so real now. I want to make all this go away; the ed, depression, everything! I want to leave behind all the mistakes that I've made and the life that I've ruined. I want to set everyone that's had the misfortune of meeting me, free from the hell I put on them. I just want to peacefully slip under water. Letting the warm fluid engulf me. So peaceful.

I feel like i'm having a mental breakdown. A panic attack.

I'm so so sorry. I feel like such a drama queen. All I do is whine. I should be trying to support all of you. Not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just so overwhelmed. So much is going on. This hell is sucking my life away from me.